I went to shopping at Whole Foods to pick up some shit as I was in the mood to do some serious cooking this past weekend. I was planning to test out the Chewy Noodle Soup recipe and make some fancy burgers, a chorizo/black bean soup and being my experimentation with Chinese Beef Noodle soup. On the ingredient tip, I had pretty much all I needed but, instead of normal pepper I only had the gay tri-color pepper…which really isn’t that bad if you need to spice up some cock or add that extra kick of flavor to the salad you are about to toss, but for my purposes, it was not what I wanted or needed. I wanted to get me some old school whole black pepper – no fancy colors or anything, just OG pepper. Anyway, so I’m at Whole Foods looking for pepper and I find this 1lb bag of the stuff – normal black pepper and there’s no price on the bag – whatevs – it’s fucking pepper…how much can 1lb of pepper cost?

Apparently, $18…

Which, by my calculations, is almost six times how much I should have paid for a pound of pepper. As I was opening the package and putting the pepper into my grinder (true hotness – peep the Alessi grinder, son! Which, parentheticallier [as we’re already in a parenthetical], is a pretty damn decent grinder, easy to clean and allowing you mad control over the size of the grind), I was thinking that this pepper had best have slices of gold in it or some sort of peppercorn genie that is gonna give me free blowjobs to justify the price I paid for it.

Grind, grind…

HOLY SHIT!!!

The second I started grinding, my olfactory senses (yes, I have more than one) were assaulted by the bright aromatic smell of pepper. Not some normal shit either, this smell was big, bright and fresh and actually smelled a bit spicy…kinda like the distilled essence of pepper.

Taste test results = HOT DAMN!!! This shit is without a doubt the best pepper I have ever tasted in my life. This is what pepper is supposed to taste like! A sharp, long lasting flavor, spice that literally dances on the tip of your tongue, a flavor that develops - just a little bit and yer all set on flavor. This is the pepper God likely uses in his kitchen (yes, god exists, god is a man and he’s a fucking awesome cook – fuck you aetheists!).

Now, my amazement at the flavor got me into research mode – how can pepper be this delicious? What kind of ambrosia is this and where did it come from? Is it actually a gift from God or was it made by the Devil to tempt us into his fiery kingdom of pain and suffering?

The answer lies in India.

Specifically in Tellicherry, on the Malabar Coast of Kerala in Southern India. That is where Tellicherry pepper is grown and word on the street is that Tellicherry pepper is the bestest pepper in the universe (Malabar pepper is #2). Both grow on the east coast of India. Tellicherry is a large berry, very black, with a bold flavor, whereas Malabar is slightly less black, smaller and less pungent. Tellicherry pepper and Malabar pepper come from the same plant and are harvested at almost the same time. Tellicherry pepper however gets to chill on the vine longer and mack out, thereby incresing the percentage of essential oils in it, which in turn makes it more aromatic and jacks up its deliciousness like it was on steroids.

So, was it worth $18?

(Keep in mind that I am a cheap bastard)

Hells yeah! Totally worth it. This is like top of the line when it comes to pepper and seeing as how you put pepper on so much damn stuff and it often plays a central role in increasing the deliciousness of food, $18 is a fucking paltry sum to spend to increase the deliciousness of all your meals so much. Not to mention that the shit needs to be used in such small quantities that the 1lb bag will last you for at least a year – so yer really paying like a buck fifty a month to substantially increase the awesomeness of all your meals. Knowing that, how could you not buy it?

Final Verdict:
YOU BUY NOW!!!!!!