So I made some “Chewy Noodle Soup” over the weekend - the end result was delicious as promised by Ms. Chewy herself (rest easy homegirl, you avoided a lawsuit for false advertising) and I ate and shared a fuckload of it. My only complaint is that it ended up giving me less broth than I would have liked, which left me with a crapload of leftover hand-shredded chicken (Doesn’t the additon of “hand-shredded” make it seem classier? They do that crap often in restaurants to justify the retarded prices - just overly describe stuff so people think “wow, classy” and pay you like $70 for a bowl of soup) and a dilemma - what to do with said leftover chicken?

Now, keep in mind it is a Tuesday - I just got back from work, I’m tired as hell and feeling lazy (and high) - and I don’t want to put too much work into my meal but, I want satisfaction for my tastebuds and my belly. So, after a quick survey of what I gots to work with, I decided to go for a “classy” chicken salad.

Most chicken salads are fucking disasters (particularly the ones you get in any grocery/deli - you might as well shit on some bread and eat that, as it’s probably more delicious and definitely more nutritious), they have a ton of mayo, dry chicken, no spice and often lack anything yummy in ‘em that will give them a tiny bit of crunch (which in my book is fucking essential for good chicken salad, I don’t want to feel like I’m eating a paste of chicken - I want some damn texture, bitches!!!).

The chicken salad I’m about to school you on will rock the mouths of the people (maybe not clear off their faces but, it may require some facial adjustment - perhaps only a few inches) and will erase the filthy memories of prior chicken salads that have violated your mouth.

The recipe:

• 1 cup “hand-shredded”chicken (extra delicious points if you use Chewy Noodle Soup chicken)
• 1 Celery stalk
• 2 Baby Carrots
• 3 tbsp Mayo (or more if you gots dryer chicken or you love mayo)
• 1/4 tsp fresh ground black pepper (or to taste) (Tellicherry pepper, bitches!!!1)
• Salt (to taste)
• 1/8 tsp Hungarian Paprika
• 1/8 tsp Smoked Spanish Paprika (not the spicy kind)
• African Cayenne Pepper (pinch - though you can add more if you wish)

First, cut your carrots and celery into cute tiny little cubes, then take the mayo and put the five spices and the grated garlic in it. Mix that shit up real good so you have “even” distribution of the spices and garlic in the mayo. Then mix the mayo/garlic/spice mixture with the chicken - decide whether you want your chicken to maintain its form or if you like it more like pulled pork. If you want the former, then just make sure yer mayo is at room temperature before you combine it with the chicken and toss it lightly, if you don’t give a fuck about the texture then don’t worry about the temperature of the mayo and feel free to mix the hell out of it - adjust the spices to yer personal liking but, be sure to be careful with the smoked Spanish Paprika - that shit can easily overpower everything.

Ideally, what you want is the smoked flavor to rock you first, then you should start feeling a bit of the Hungarian paprika spice, along with a bit of the garlic bite, then the (Tellicherry) pepper should make its way to the tip of yer tongue and do a little jig there. The finishing flavor will be a slow, mild back of the throat heat from the African cayenne.

Booya!

Classy chicken salad. For extra classiness give it a pretentious title like “5 Spice Hand-shredded Chicken Salade” - motherfuckers will think yer British or made of gold or something else equally classy.

Final Verdict:

If you have the chicken, you’d be a damn fool not to make this.