Wanna send a generic gift that requires no thought or effort? Can’t decide whether to send flowers or a fruit basket? Well now you don’t have to choose! Edible Arrangements is here for you!

If you haven’t heard about it before, Edible Arrangements are fruit bouquets. They are carved out of fruit to look like flowers. Kinda like flowers. I guess. Not really.

This is one of the smartest ideas ever. Seriously! The profit margin! The bouquets range from about $50-$200. For fruit! Fruit that probably costs them $5. And I bet it’s shitty fruit. And it’s not like they even do crazy fancy fruit carving like the Thai do:

Totally worth $2oo.

Totally not worth the diarrhea.

This is more my style.

Sorry I haven’t been posting as much lately. I’ve been working about 60 hours a week at The Restaurant. Here’s something to tide you over:

Twenty way to use vinegar.

Vinegar: Not just for douchebags. 

I wanted to take this guy home, but he ended up in some tastey ratatouille.

Is that an eggplant in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

(I’m sorry, I got nothing. Post your own funny caption and win the oppurtunity to buy me a drink!)

Stinky, the cheese shop here in Carroll Gardens, is having a cheese eating contest next Sunday, the 24th. Cram down as much cheese into your pie hole as possible in one minute. Registration is free. The contest starts at 2pm sharp. Information here.

It’s like the gang bang of food porn.

Dear Joey V.,

This muggy June weather has given me a case of the vapors. So last Saturday I went to cool off with a few tastey beverages at a bar down the block that I think that you actually own in the future. But Future Joe hasn’t met Present Joe because that would fuck-up the space-time continuum and the world would implode into a black hole and Doc Brown would not be able to help you out.

It’s called Moonshine and I was too drunk to figure out if they actually had any moonshine. Nevertheless, I have my own moonshine if you would like to partake. I wonder if we could make some sort of “bomb” beverage with moonshine and PBR? What would we call it? The Freedom Bomb, perhaps?

Peanut shells on the floor, PBR on tap and Big Buck Hunter. They have three dozen different whiskeys and BYOM (bring your own meat to grill at their outdoor space). Beers in cans include Schlitz, Olde E, Tecate, Old Milwaukee, Colt 45, Genesee Cream Ale and more. Said beers are available in bucket deals.

They also have a juke box I do think you would appreciate even though Fugazi’s “Waiting Room” isn’t on it.

And it smells better than B-Sides.

Looking forward to getting drunk with you sometime soon and accidentally knocking over some parking meters at 317 Columbia Street Brooklyn, NY.

Your friend,
Chewy B.

PS: Shnäck is now BYOB.

Doc Brown needs to chill the eff out and have a whisky.

Why have seafood when you can have giant seafood?

My problem with Starbucks is that they do not have simple syrup out on their little fixin’s bar. I see people order ice coffees and put white or raw sugar in it. I cringe at the thought of getting a mouthful of grainy, sweet sugar while trying to chillax and enjoy a refreshing iced coffee on a hot day. Especially since you just paid $4 for it. You have to ask for their “classic flavored” syrup when ordering, I’m pretty sure they charge you for it, and you don’t even get to control the amount they put in. Big mistake, Starbucks. You’ve made The List.

The place around the corner from me, The Coffee Den, is where I get my iced coffees from. They are kinda expensive ($3 for a large) and the coffee isn’t the best. However, they have simple syrup out which I greatly appreciate.

Simple syrup is so named because it’s really effing simple. Sugar + water + heat = deliciousness. You can make it during a commercial break of Hell’s Kitchen and it’s extremely hard to eff up. And because of this newfangled thing called “science”, the syrup is actually about 20% sweeter than the OG sugar.

Take equal parts sugar and water and heat in a sauce pan over medium heat, stirring occasionally until the sugar dissolves. You can add more sugar if you want it thicker. Store at room temperature or in the fridge for several months. (I use raw sugar, which I just found out isn’t actually better for you.)

Make flavored simple syrup by throwing in a cinnamon stick, a vanilla pod, some lemongrass or a few citrus rinds. Put it in iced beverages, adult beverages, over fruit or whatever else Google tells you you can do with it.

R. Kelly is currently working on a song about sex and simple syrup.

Personally, I don’t understand it – but some people equate food with sex. Such as R. Kelly. I mean, he equates peeing with sex, so it would only make sense that food would follow (well technically preceed). I suggest you go download this song. Or email me and I will send it to you. But be careful, but it’s smooth sexiness may ruin (or greatly enhance) your view on cooking forever.

“Sex In The Kitchen”

Girl you’re in the kitchen
Cooking me a meal
Something makes me wanna come in there and get a feel
Walk around in your t-shirt
Nothing else on
Strutting pass, switching that ass while I’m on the phone
Cutting up tomatoes, fruits and vegetables and potatoes
Girl, you look so sexy while you’re doing the damn thang
I want

Sex in the kitchen over by the stove
Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls
Hands on the table, on your tippy toes
We’ll be making love like the restaurant was closed

How would you like it, baby
(How would you like that?)
Tell me right now pretty baby
Hey man, I’m gon call you back

Girl you’re in the kitchen, chillin in your robe
I’m thinking to myself she better go put on some clothes
Tickling and teasing
Doing that little dance
Girl, you gon make me lay you down and give it to you one mo ‘gain

Girl I’m ready to toss your salad
While I’m making love, I’ll be feasting
Girl you’re in the kitchen
Sweating up a storm
The oven’s on 500
So you know the kitchen’s warm
Girl you know just how to get into a brother’s mind
Cause here we are still in this kitchen
Doing it for the third time

Hawt.

(Keep reading for one more photo that is probably NSFW.)

Continue reading…

I had a large spike in the number of hits on my blog one day last week. Google analytics told me it was because of referrals from stumbleupon.com. Download the plug-in for your browser, set your preferences and go. I have mine set only to food and whenever I click “Stumble!” in my tool bar I get a random food related page. Today I got something worth blogging about. Not since Squagles (audio link) has a food product been so eXtreme.

What do you think this dealie is?

Chia Pet? Garlic keeper? Lawn ornament? Some sort of pagan love device? Wrong, broham! It’s a novelty egg separator!

It costs $7 from this place.

This is something someone would give me for Xmas and say, “Hey, you like to cook and you have a good sense of humor – I thought you’d get a kick out of it!” And then I’d almost feel bad about throwing it out on December 26th. Almost.

Don’t you just wanna crack an egg onto his head now?

Full vegetable share from the Carroll Gardens CSA (Community Supported Agriculture). Clockwise from left: Pea shoots, radishes, mixed greens, Boston lettuce, red Russian kale (I’m pretty sure this vegetable is a communist), bok choi (also a communist) and asparagus.

Pokey does not appreciate organic greens nor communists.