Wok the Fuck? (animated video link)

Serving up a big bowl of hilarity.

I’ve been tagged! I’m officially “in” with the blogging community! Oh, I feel so accepted. Foodette from RestaurantReviewWorld.com has axed me to list my five favorite places to eat in the area. Unfortunately, I don’t eat out at new places as much as I like to.

Favorite sushi: Kotobuki in Babylon, Long Island. Not to be confused with the sub-par Kotobuki Sushi and Thai in Carroll Gardens. Kotobuki LI is the fourth top rated restaurant in the Long Island Zagat. My only problem with it is that the sushi rice is overly seasoned and too sweet. I used to drive forty minutes and wait another hour just to eat there. The amuse bouche cold noodles are amazing. Service is great.

Favorite drunken snack: Pomme Frites. ‘Nuff said.

Favorite BBQ: Fette Sau in Williamsburg, Brookyln. I don’t care what my nay-saying friends think, I find this shit to be quality. Texas-style (dry rubbed, no sauces). Forgo the dry-ass ribs and go for the berkshire pork belly that melts in your mouth. Cafeteria-style seating. Three dozen whiskies and craft beers in drinkin’ jars. You just have to put up with slow service and young hipsters and their critical stares.

Favorite non-adult beverage treat: Ten Ren Tea House or Saint’s Alp Tea House. Bubble tea. Hot or cold, it’s milky and sweet and contains those giant gelatinous tapioca bubbles. I think I’m going to die choking on one of those things. It will be a delicious death, though. Dozens on flavors including coffee, coconut, ginger, taro and melon. Visually, they are adorable with their pastel colors, dome cap and oversized straws. Both businesses have international locations.

Favorite chain restaurant: Penang. I used be a hostess / server / bartender at the Long Island location. Only a handful of Penang’s are left: In New York, Boston and Philadelphia. It’s Malaysian cuisine, which isn’t really authentic, but it’s tasty and affordable with a “hip” atmosphere. I like the sarang burung: A deep fried taro root bowl filled with seafoods, veg and cashews. They also make an amazing green curry. The menus differ slightly from location to location.

The best meal I’ve ever had in my life: Le Bernardin’s tasting menu.

I know that’s six, but fuck it. And apparently I have to tag other food bloggers to do the same. I dunno who the hell reads this crap I spew out, though.

1. & 2.) The Paupered Chef boys. One lives in Brooklyn and one lives in Ohio. Great photos, writing, research, recipes and reviews. And good guys to get drunk with.

3.) Michele Humes. She’s from Hong Kong, went to a French school, lived in Edinburgh and now resides in Brooklyn and goes to The French Culinary Institute. She’s got an great palate.

4.) J. Slab of Porkchop Express. He reports on quality, cheap ethnic eats in Brooklyn. And he always replies to my emails.

As a woman of discerning taste, I could drink these shits until I puke.

I know people read food blogs in hopes of seeing some awesome, delicious, beautiful food porn photos. But instead I’m gonna gross you out by showing you what happened to me during service tonight. Hell, it grossed me out:

That’s a burn, son. From 375 degree oil. My hand modeling career is totally over. The sous chef even completed my night by accidentally hitting me over the head with a frying pan. Chef was calling me “Burnie” until one of the servers topped him by calling me “Leper”.

Now, to make YOU feel better, I’m gonna post the cutest photo of Pokey. Missing teeth and all:

So, yeah, been meaning to write about Hell’s Kitchen for a couple of weeks now. I’m actually kind of glad I didn’t do it before the most recent episode because then I would have to eat crow. The third and fourth episodes were totally boring and I was all ready to complain. And what the hell was up with the Asian cowboy guy who totally sucks and is a huge pussy? UGH. Come ON, dude! Ugh… of course they get some chef from a pension home, and not a badass chef like the dudes from God of Cookery. I mean, I knew right from episode one that he wasn’t gonna be bustin out some esoteric traditional Szechuan dish or Oyster brains in sea cucumber penis sauce or something, but you could have done better than sitting around and crying the whole time. Way to let us down and be a huge pussy.

Anyway, on Monday things got more interesting. The redhead with the soul-patch and the huge boobs went nutso, and it was hilarious. She was running around like a lost toddler (ugh), but instead of asking FOR help, she was offering it. The whole wedding thing was kinda lame. However, it spawned the best part of the episode: when Jean Phillipe totally pwnd the wedding planner, sending him to talk to Gordon rather than answering his question. That sneaky Belgian.

I’m a sucker for new chip flavors. Today at Fairway, I found Doritos’ new flavor, X-13D. Marketed in a mysterious black bag and so titled because you, the consumer, can win the chance to name it. I thought the “X” stood for eXtreme, as in eXtreme flavor. The “13″ was probably picked picked because someone thought it was a cool number. “D” is for either “Dorito’s” or “diarrhea”.

I’ve read that they are supposed to taste like a cheeseburger. Maybe if you are on Miracle Fruit or smoked a lot of weed. These things are disgusting. Without reading any of the propaganda on the package, one bite and I could identify the “mystery flavor”. Mustard. Mustard flavored Dorito’s. Imagine mustard powder mixed with garlic powder. Wash it back with a Coca-Cola Blak and you can ensure vomit. Actually, I’ve had vomit that tasted better than this. And vomit is free, but these things cost me $3.50. I wish I had never tried them. That’s how bad they are. They make my mouth sad.

Another blogger described the flavor as “ass dipped in mustard and relish”. That pretty much sums it up.

Doritos X-13D are not vegetarian friendly, as they contain beef tallow.

ChewFood grade for taste: F-
ChewFood grade for marketing: F-

Now THESE are eXtreme Doritos!

One of the reasons I love the Japanese is because they do adorable things with food. At SeriousEats.com they found this website that shows you how to make cute animals and other things out of hot dogs.

Japanese moms seems to go the extra mile for their kids. Western moms gotta get their shit together. Check out these bento boxes:

See more like these at CookingCute.com

The hot dog: Not just edible in a phallic shape anymore.