A recent blog posting by NY Mag about overrated food-related things:

“• M.F.K. Fisher. Can we go on record as saying that we never liked Fisher as a food writer? Her treacly, precious, brittle meditations never moved us, made us hungry, or plated a meaningful memory. Give us the Sterns, Calvin Trillin, or A.J. Liebling any day.”

That’s like saying Cartier-Bresson is overrated or that “Star Wars” is overrated or that Pokey isn’t cute. Fuck you, New York Magazine. You and your boners for David Chang and Berkshire pork and BLT anything are overrated. Oh, and Chowhound. I’ll come over to the Upper East Side and fight you.

Go read some M.F.K. Fisher and she’ll make you feel grateful that you have tastebuds.

Babies are also overrated. Underrated as a food souce, though.

My new chef’s knife:

A Kikuichi Gyuto Western style 9.5″ chef’s knife. It came with a wooden sheath and a box wrapped in delicate origami-type paper, tied with raffia. I think I’m gonna name her Cutty. Me so happy.

My old knife, Stabby, works better on zombies.

The servers at my restaurant manage to keep their cool through busy hours and shitty customers. I admire this trait because I don’t even talk to customers and I still manage to get angry at them on a regular basis. Like when a female who get her dining tips from health magazines disrespectfully deconstructs Chef’s dishes with substitutions and requests that her protein be grilled with no oil. Or when a six top of kosher vegetarians show up out of the blue. Or when a four-top all order the same appetizers and entrees. I flip my shit and start mumbling curses. But here’s a video I found that goes out to my front of the house people that I yell at because I can’t yell at customers.

It’s been a few months since I posted a recipe. Mainly because the internet is already chock fulla recipes. Plus it’s kinda hard to be funny when writing a recipe. So why pickled eggs? Because most of you probably have never eaten them and this is to encourage you to try this delicious, nutritious snack. Perfect for autumn and winter cookin’.

I’m kinda frowny face that I missed the pickle fest in Manhattan yesterday. So I made pickled eggs today. There are as many recipes for ‘em as there are BBQ sauce recipes out there. Here’s a good one I like that’s kung-powerful, but feel free to play around with it.

• Two dozen large hard boiled eggs, peeled and pierced with a fork a few times (it’s best to use old eggs as they peel easier, but you can use fresh eggs if you follow Julia Child’s recipe for perfect hard boiled eggs)
• Three cups white vinegar
• One cup cider vinegar
• Three cups purified water
• Three tablespoons pickling spice (I like the ones with the dried chilies in it)
• Two tablespoons black peppercorns
• Six cloves of garlic, peeled
• Two bay leaves
• One bottle good ale, lager, pilsner or dry cider (I used Brooklyn Brewery’s Oktoberfest)

As you are prepping your eggs, put all the other ingredients except for the beer in a non-reactive pot (stainless steel, glass or enameled cast iron) and bring to a boil over medium heat. This takes a while, but it allows all the dried spices and herbs to simmer and release their super flavors. This will also make your kitchen smell fucking awesome so you might as well make mulled cider and/or mulled wine while you are at it.

Place eggs in a large airtight container. Poor hot vinegar mix over the eggs and poor in the beer. Make sure the eggs are completely submerged - you may have to add more water and/or vinegar. Wait for carbonation to subside and cover. I like to give them a gentle shake once a day. Place in fridge for at least a week. The longer they marinate, the more deliciousness they absorb - I give two weeks before stuffing my foodhole.

Also, I suggest buying an egg slicer ($1-$3).

Enjoy with a big effin’ sammich full of meat and mustard and a good pint of beer. Bring ‘em to the bar to make friends.

Let the pickling tips commence!

You can pickle lots of other things like carrots, beets, onions, garlic, green beans and baby hobbits.

Gordon Ramsay recently burned his cock and/or balls while cooking with an unfurnished basement.

You fucking donkey! 

I had two weeks off from The Restaurant and tried to eat out at new places as much as possible. Let me preface this with the fact that, for some reason, I am constantly ordering the worst thing on a restaurant’s menu. I don’t know why this happens, but like in those Budweiser radio ads, I am the person that ends up suffering with “entree envy”. Also, when reviewing a restaurant, I don’t hold things like shitty service, having to wait for a table or if they run out of a dish against the restaurant.

1.) Crave (570 Henry Street, between Carroll and Summit in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn): A very small, but cute and modern restaurant. A majority of their business is take-out and delivery. The menu is pretty large for such a small place. It ranges from chicken sandwiches with fries to fine dining. Matt and I ordered from the $25 prix fixe menu (Tuesdays through Thursdays). I got the frog legs and fried chicken and mochi. Matt got Thai-style mussels and trout and panna cotta.

Would I go back? Yes.

2.) Hana Cafe (235 Smith Street between Douglass and Butler in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn): I went here for a late lunch of sushi because it was three pm and most places on Smith Street stop serving lunch at that time. Cute atmosphere and unlike most other generic Japanese restaurants, the staff doesn’t stand around watching you eat. The fish for the sushi and sashimi wasn’t so fresh, but the rolls were tasty. Sushi and sashimi lunch special $12 (lunch is from noon until four).

Would I go back? If they were my only option again. And I’d get kitchen food.

3.) Saul: (140 Smith Street between Dean and Bergen, Boerum Hill? Brooklyn Heights? I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care, Brooklyn) Saul has a Michelin Star and it’s prices reflect it. The amuse was a pureed red lentil soup with creme fraiche and chives which was simple and delicious but odd since it’s Summertime. I had the seared Hudson Valley foie gras (they also do a terrine of it) and Matt had a homemade pasta special that included a poached egg and mussel stock. I, unfortunatley but not surprisingly, choose my entree poorly: I had the diver scallops with hen of the woods mushrooms (also known as maitake) and chorizo. I picked this entree solely because maitakes are my favorite mushrooms. They smell so fragrant and earthy and I describe the taste as the what the air tastes like during a Summer thunderstorm. The mushrooms needed salt (and they don’t put salt on the tables, very arrogant) and I got some sand or bits of shell in my scallops. And my water glass had a chip in the lip. Matt’s entree, “a lamb tasting” special, was definitely Michelin worthy. Five different cuts of lamb! Including the kidney! They also do a $45 four-course prix fixe and a $95 tasting menu. Saul himself was in the kitchen, but he wasn’t in chef whites: Old t-shirt, cargo shorts, flip-flops and nothing covering his hair. Very dangerous. Like asps.

Would I go back? Because it’s so expensive, I’d rather try some place new. If money wasn’t an issue, then yes I’d go for the tasting menu.

4.) Kebab Cafe (25-12 Steinway St. at 25th Ave, Astoria, Queens): Holy shit! Did you see that recent episode of Bizzare Foods / No Reservations with Andrew Zimmern and Anthony Bourdain about New York City? Kebab Cafe is the Egyptian place they went to in Astoria that sells all sorts of awfully delicious offals. A teeny tiny restaurant with about five or six tables, but the chef (Ali) comes to your table and instead of handing you a menu, he tells you the menu. Choose your own adventure out of veg, fish and meat (all with “Egyptian hocus-pocus”). Meat included oxtail, tongue, mountain oysters (that’s a nice way of saying “nutsack” for you n00bz), heart, brains, livers, sweetbreads and more! Good god! I told Ali to cook me some sort of organ meat of choice. He made me sweetbreads, which satiated my organ meat craving, but were sauteed instead of breaded and fried. My friend Joe got the tongue and his girlfriend Red won with the oxtail dish (which contained a mysterious heart, about the size of a button and which I enjoyed).

So after a hummus, babaganoush and some other mystery paste plate, we shared two appetizers. Then entrees. Then a dessert plate and I still wasn’t stuffed. Awesome.

Would I go back? Fuck yeah, mother fuck! I’d go back for dinner right now if I didn’t have plans. I want brains and hearts and livers!

5.) Chimu (482 Union Ave between the BQE service road and Conselyea, Williamsburg, Brooklyn): An unassuming Peruvian restaurant in Williamsburg right next door to THE hipster bar, Union Pool. Oddly enough, there were no hipsters eating there but a whole lot of norms. A very welcoming, sincere staff. Matt and I shared the paella special for two. I’m used to paella being a plate of seasoned rice with some bits of seafood in it. This fucker was a pot of seafood with maybe half a cup of rice at the bottom. A whole lobster, crab claws, green lipped mussels, shrimps, calamari rings. Unfortunately, the fish wasn’t the freshest but I wasn’t expecting it to be. They do have pitchers of delicious sangria, though.

Would I go back? Only if my friends wanted to go.

6.) Fette Sau (354 Metropolitan Ave at Havemeyer, Williamsburg, Brooklyn): My third time. The pork ribs have gotten better. And this time they had pastrami on the menu, which isn’t anything like deli counter pastrami.

Would I go back? I’m gonna keep going until they have pig tails. After five trips and no pig tails, I’m gonna call shenanigans.

7.) Nita Nita (46 Wythe Ave at North 8th, Williamsburg, Brooklyn). A cute, hip-but-not-hipster tapas lounge and bar in Williamsburg. I went here for drinks and tapas for a friend’s birthday. I don’t know shit about tapas, but these dealies were delicious. Chorizo sausage with croutons ($6), cold medium-rare beef slices with rosemary jus ($?), a cheese board with three cheeses, baguette and apple slices ($12). And sangria. So much sangria. And other girlie drink specials. They also have a late night snack menu and midnight happy hour. Oh, and a garden.

Would I go back? Yes, with other ladies to escape the dive bars and meat markets in that neighborhood.

8.) Hibino: (333 Henry Street between Atlantic and Pacific, Brooklyn Heights?) Not your typical, cookie-cutter Japanese restaurant. You know, those neighborhood places that have exactly the same menu, except maybe they come up with difference names for their sushi rolls like “crazy roll” or “green dragon roll” or “viagra roll” and they all offer teriyaki and tempura and lunch specials. This place feels more authentic. A wonderful, clean, modern interior with an open kitchen. Japanese style tapas called obanzai for $4 a plate and the selection changes every day. We got broiled hamachi (yellowtail) jaw, beef tataki (carpaccio, pictured) and “fried squid bits”. Matt got the braised beef and I had the sushi dinner. We shared a soy pudding for dessert which came with soy tea! They also make their own tofu!

Would I go back? What time’s good for you?

9.) Cafe LULUc (214 Smith Street, between Baltic and Butler, Brooklyn): Fuck this place. It comes along all inviting like and says “Hey, look at me! I look like a cute Parisian cafe! Have a cafe au lait and read some magazines, why not maybe perhaps?” And then you go in there and order the tuna niçoise salad and you know you are gonna get canned tuna but fuck it you want it anyway but holy fuck they give you canned black olives!!! What fucking kind of “French” eatery does that? Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS!!! Fuck this place.

Would I go back? Fuck this place.

There also a new bar in my neighborhood called Bar Great Harry (280 Smith Street at Sackett, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn). It opened two weeks ago and replaced the odd-smelling Bar. You know, adjacent and across the street from that loud, guido, tramp and douchebag filled bar, Quench. BGH is a beer based bar that also has liquor, but no frozen hurricanes nor $.25 wings nor ladies night. They sell DUB pies, though! Two beer-knowledgeable, friendly, hilarious brothers run it. 12 beers on draught and 60+ beers in bottles and cans. Mainly craft beers, but if for some health reason, like if you lack of tastebuds, they do have Bud and a few other crappy beers, but they will make fun of you behind your back. Or at least I will. Average beer costs $5-7.

Getting the gout is God’s way of telling us we should eat delicious organs in moderation.

No one thinks they have bad taste in anything. People with gaudy McMansions with a shitload of gold, marble and inappropriate colums and shitty art they buy at The Marriot art expo think they are cool. Dudes who have tricked out Hummers with five extra bumpers and a decal on the windshield of Calvin pissing on something think everyone is jealous. The same goes for people’s palates. And no, I’m not talking a matter of personal preferances, I’m talking about quality. Just because something satiates your thirst or hunger, doesn’t mean it’s quality. I had this old co-worker who found out I was into beers and said, “I love good beer! Corona is my favorite!” Since I was friends with her, I proceeded to school her after I made fun of her.

We had this guy come into The Restaurant, saw our little craft beer list and asked the server if we had “anything good… like Stella.” The server came into the kitchen and asked us and I started ranting about how Stella is the Budweiser of Europe and how shitty it is and how dumb the guy was for calling it good compared to the beers we carry and if that’s the kind of palate he has then he should go eat at the Olive Garden. So Chef went out to the table and told the guy pretty much what I was screaming about for five minutes. I don’t know why Stella is the best selling beer in NYC bars.

Yeah, I’m a fucking food and beverage snob. It’s like I’m getting hot sex and you’re humping the couch cushion during a Real World marathon.

ChewFood tip #1: Good beer doesn’t need to whore itself out.