Xmas Day. I’m away with Matt at his family gathering in a suburb of Philly. My brother is staying at our apartment in Carroll Gardens, hanging out with the Xmas miracle known as Pokey. He sends me an early morning text message that says, “Your pepper grinder kicks so much ass you should name it Chuck Norris.”

Lo and behold, the Unicorn Magnum Plus Pepper Mill (voted best pepper mill by Cook’s Illustrated Magazine)! Expensive, yes, but it will last you for years and grinds like no other pepper mill. (Kinda like if you want to buy the ultimate cookware that will last three lifetimes, you buy copper and cast iron.) No constant fiddling with screws for desired coarseness. If you are serious about black pepper, then, fuck yeah, it’s worth it. If you think it’s retarded to spend that much on a pepper mill, then fuck you, you loser, you are shitty and I hope you are content with being mediocre for the rest of your life, making your mom cry out of disappointment.

Are you white dudes intimidated? 

This book is a lot better than “The Apprentice” that’s on NBC. First of all, there’s no yelling because you are reading it to yourself. Unless you are one of those dumb people who I went to junior high with who have to move their mouths when they read and who are probably grandparents by now. Also, there are no sycophants with dillusions of grandeur. Instead, it’s about an adorable happy-go-lucky Frenchman who loves America. And it’s got recipes in between chapters. Oh, yeah, the guy can cook, too.

Pros: Recipes, America, HoJo’s, the French word for shower is douche

Cons: Donald Trump, babies having babies

ChewFood Grade: B+

Chef Pepin’s partner was never accused of having a fetish for spitting on hookers. I’m just sayin’sall.

So I’m the middle of taking the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygeine Food Protection Course. (The course is free online until the end of the month.) I’m on lesson nine and check out what I have to learn:

Personal Hygiene Checklist

At the beginning of each workday ask yourself the following questions:

1. Did I shower or take a bath before coming to work?
2. Am I sick with a fever, cold or diarrhea?
3. Do I have any infected cuts or burns?
4. Are my nails clean, trimmed and free from nail polish?
5. Are my apron and clothing clean?
6. Did I remove my jewelry?
7. Am I wearing my hat, cap or hairnet?

As long as this guy doesn’t have diarrhea, I think he’s safe to make you your dinner. 

The NYCDOH doesn’t say anything about laying a woman down and making sweet love to her in the kitchen as being unsanitary .

Apparently there’s a short clip of me cooking at The Restaurant on NY1 (local NYC tv channel). It’s part of a segment about the new Zagat Best of Brooklyn book . I haven’t seen it yet and the NY1 OnDemand is janky.

If I had my own cooking show, it would pretty much look like this.