You can tell someone is a restaurant cook just by looking at how fucked up their hands are. If you are an avid cook, then chances are you’ve hurt yourself doing it. Either with a knife or through heat. This isn’t through any lack of skill, shit just happens. And the more you cook, the more likely you are to fuck your shit up.

So, there are three things you can do with your knife: Stab (and in an out motion with the tip), slice (a back and forth sawing motion) and chop (and up and down motion as with an axe). Guess which method I used to break down this thumb?

If you guessed chop, then you are right. You know when you are dealing with an onion and sometimes you get a weird layer underneath the crispy skin and before the to-be-delicious flesh? A kind of leathery layer? Well my paring knife slipped of that layer and landed into my fingers (I got two fingers with one motion). This was on a Wednesday afternoon and I had to come up with multiple ways to keep it safe and clean for the rest of the work week, but still be able to use that digit.

Here are some products in my arsenal for minor mishaps:

Hydrogen peroxide vs. rubbing alcohol: I like hydrogen peroxide because it foams up on contact, so you know it’s working. However, I prefer rubbing alcohol because I grew up with it. It stings like the dickens, so you know it’s working. Both available for under $1. A+ for both.

Band-Aids: Applying Band-Aids around your fingers is tough. They aren’t shaped for it. Even the ones that say they are meant for fingers are kinda shitty. You can’t get a tight seal all around. Water gets in and the plasticy ones slide off and the cloth ones get all stringy and fall apart. And your wound gets all puffy and white. $3-$6. C

Gauze: I like to wear gauze and medical tape instead of Band-Aids when at all possible, as to allow the cut or burn to “breath” but still be protected. Both shits will cost you under $3. B+

Finger condoms: Damn, man. These things are pretty awesome. They come in one size, but fit even my little child-like fingers. Again, they seal in all the moisture, but you don’t have to worry about it falling off or weird shit getting in there. No reservoir tip, though. Spermicide sold separately. $5. A-

New Skin: This shit smells like nail polish remover and goes on like nail polish. It’s waterproof and an antiseptic. It’s pretty much awesome, except when it comes to removal. The label says nail polish removers takes it off, but I am reluctant to put nail polish remover in my open wound. $5. A-

Neosporin: This shit heals your open wounds three-times faster. The only thing better is if you can get your hands on some steroid cream. $5. A

Cortisone: I like over-the-counter, maximum strength cortisone after the blister from the burn has subsided and the skin is all dry and itchy and ashy. $4-$8. A+

Burn cream: You can use mayo in a pinch. But the money cream is the prescription stuff, silvadene (or silver sulfadiazine). It’s what I used on this burn. A+

Liquid vitamin E: This stuff is supposed to help with the fading of scars. You have to be really diligent about apply it several times a day, though. And I’m kinda lazy and not that vain about minor scraps. $4-$8. B

So, when you get hurt in the kitchen here are the appropriate steps to take:

1. You get injured.
2. Get angry or cry. Or both.
3. Blame someone else.
4. Try to arouse as much sympathy as possible. Crying helps.
5. Treat wound with appropriate method and items.
6. Keep complaining about your injury until someone buys you treats and stuff.
7. Show off your wound to friends and strangers to gross them out.

Shit like this I can’t help you with.