I like video games where I get to shoot zombies in the head: I consider it valuable practice for when the zombies actually do come and try to eat my delicious brain. So I got “Cooking Mama: Cook Off” for the Wii because I was under the assumption that it involved cooking your family members to eat for survival after the apocalypse. I was wrong.

It’s a game for little kids to learn how to cook by sitting on their asses and staring at a television. I think it’s a precursor to getting stoned and watching The Food Network for hours on end.

According to the little anime Mama (who speaks some sort of Frenchie Engrish), I’m pretty good at knife work, but I tend to burn stuff and hammer the shit out of my hand. Half the time I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be cooking. I guess it’s like when I hear about when real musicians play “Guitar Hero” and get all frustrated and pissed off.

The only characters are cute, wide-eyed girls of various nationalities – I supposed because females of the world have to learn how to cook to be good housewives. And boys that cook are fags.

I think my favorite aspect is that you don’t use salt in the game. There’s something called “garnish”, which I assume to be MSG.

Cuteness factor: B

Deliciousness factor: B-

Frustration factor: B+

Carpal Tunnel factor: A

I assume Mama to be a cross between Martha Stewart, Katie Holmes (during Tom Cruise) and Kasumi Tendo.