Xmas Day. I’m away with Matt at his family gathering in a suburb of Philly. My brother is staying at our apartment in Carroll Gardens, hanging out with the Xmas miracle known as Pokey. He sends me an early morning text message that says, “Your pepper grinder kicks so much ass you should name it Chuck Norris.”

Lo and behold, the Unicorn Magnum Plus Pepper Mill (voted best pepper mill by Cook’s Illustrated Magazine)! Expensive, yes, but it will last you for years and grinds like no other pepper mill. (Kinda like if you want to buy the ultimate cookware that will last three lifetimes, you buy copper and cast iron.) No constant fiddling with screws for desired coarseness. If you are serious about black pepper, then, fuck yeah, it’s worth it. If you think it’s retarded to spend that much on a pepper mill, then fuck you, you loser, you are shitty and I hope you are content with being mediocre for the rest of your life, making your mom cry out of disappointment.

Are you white dudes intimidated? 

Every time my mother comes to visit, she brings me whatever is currently in her kitchen that she is not using. The fact that she cooks pretty much every meal and I cook about four times a week is lost on her. Any utensil, gadget or ingredient that isn’t currently getting work in her house gets shipped off to Brooklyn. Although its a sweet gesture, its pretty amusing that I own a salad spinner, a potato ricer, a fish spatula and a pizza cutter. *

This is why I happen to have a random collection of vegetables I would not typically buy for myself in my kitchen this morning. Two red peppers, four over-ripe tomatoes and a bunch of rosemary. I am typically not a fan of red or green peppers and had kept them for a week not really knowing what to do with them. Since I am a big fan of soup, I decided to use my most valuable kitchen implement - the great immersion blender - and make them into a soup.

This was simple, quick, and delicious. It made just enough soup for two people and can be seasoned in a variety of ways.

Red Pepper and Tomato Soup

Ingredients:

• 2 red peppers
• 4 medium tomatoes
• 1/2 yellow onion
• 2 cloves garlic
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 1/2 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 1/2 cups chicken broth
• 2 tablespoons tomato paste
• spices (more on this)
• 2 splashes Tabasco,
• 3 tablespoons heavy cream,
• salt and pepper to taste

Method: Coarsely chop the peppers, tomatoes, onion and garlic. Melt 1 tablespoon of butter and oil in a large pot. Add vegetables and cook, stirring frequently so not to burn. When tomatoes and peppers start to “melt” and express juices, add chicken broth, tomato paste and spices.{SPICES - you can use a bunch of different spices with these flavors. Today I used 1 teaspoon of sweet paprika and a few sprigs of rosemary. But fennel pollen/fennel seeds, tarragon or hot paprika would work too. Whatever you have in the house, just try and keep it to one note.}

Bring to a boil and then lower hear. Let simmer for about 10 minutes.

{FLAVOR CUBES - Often you get weird leftover ingredients. Like mashed potatoes or in this case tomato paste. There is a reason I bring up these two particular ingredients. Usually recipes (annoyingly) call for only a tablespoon of tomato paste, and it typically comes in 6 ounce cans. Take an ice cube try and line it plastic wrap. Fill as many “cubes” as you can with tomato paste. Freeze, and when frozen, store in a ziplock bag. When another recipes call for just a tablespoon of tomato paste you can use a tomato paste cube from the freezer. In this recipe I used two mashed potato cubes I had in the freezer for some added texture. Flavor cubes work with just about any puree or liquid.}

Once simmered, add salt and pepper to taste and use an immersion blender to puree the ingredients together. I like my soups to have a little body so don’t puree them completely smooth. If you don’t have an immersion blender, too bad for you. You’re going to have to suck it up and move the soup in small batches to a regular blender, which is tricky with hot soup. Next time you’re out splurge and buy a damn immersion blender. You could get a cheap one for under $20. Once blended, stir in heavy cream and the other tablespoon of butter.

Often finishing a dish with cream and butter is a crutch for poor cooks, but in this case I think it really adds to the soup.

Enjoy!

*It should be noted that I buy my own useless kitchen gadgets as well, like the pocket-pie/ravioli/pirogi/calzone makers I purchased almost a year ago and still have yet to use, especially when I know if I actually wanted to make any of those things I could just seal them closed with a common fork. So maybe that’s why she assumes I want the other barely useful items…

I don’t understand salad spinners.

You buy something to dry your lettuce? Shaking, air drying, paper towels nor rags work? Is having a little water in your salad really bad? Even Alton Brown, who is a product minimalist, has one.

I don’t get it. I’m not being facetious here: I am really ignorant on this.

Please, someone, enlighten me.

I wasn’t always a snotty foodie. I wasn’t always as anal I am now about caring for my kitchen gear. I’m not above admitting my ignorance about things, like I used to put my Wusthof in the dishwasher and when I was ten years old I put a finished wood bowl in the microwave. So I have stayed away from wood gear for years -the stuff kept splitting on me and no one ever told me it was because you had to oil it and couldn’t soak it in water. (This was in the days before the wealth of knowledge on the information superhighway.)

Matt and I purchased a butcher block from Ikea for our new apartment. It’s made out of solid birch and metal, the GROLAND ($199). Here’s a photo of it (unoiled). Ikea says you should ONLY use their oil blend, BEHANDLA, on your Ikea gear. First of all, I usually call shenanigans when a company says to only use their products. Secondly, the vague ingredients listed on the website is different from what the actual container says: Linseed oil, tung oil, mineral oil, and lot of things that start with “benzo-” and end in cancer. Plus, it’s an Ikea product and that in itself doesn’t gain my confidence in their quality.

I took a chance and purchased John Boo’s Mystery Oil ($6-8 for 16 oz) based on John Boo’s reputation. The “mystery” is that it doesn’t tell you what the ingredients are. Various websites say it’s made of pure mineral oil, raw linseed oil, tung oil and natural citrus extracts. I couldn’t dig up anything else with my world class detective skills (read: Google searches). The bottle does say safe for any food preparation surface. I’ll let you know if I develop a toxic shock syndrome or something.

I read online that you are supposed to oil your new wood products once a week for the first month and once a month for the first year. And sand it down with fine sand paper once in awhile. I guess it’s a good thing I have a lot of time on my hands.

I consulted two food related message boards, a knife skill book and Alton Brown. I don’t think I’ve ever thought so hard about a $40 purchase. A new paring knife.

As it is now, I have a crappy little Sabatier (French) stamped paring knife that I only use on fruit. It stinks. It came in a Sabatier block knife set I got over five years ago for about $100 on Amazon before I really became infatuated with cooking. I would buy decent but cheap gear instead of high-quality and long lasting (expensive).

The knife I use is a Wusthof (German) santoku. It suits me well for most jobs, though sometimes I require more length and heft (insert penis joke). Did I want to get a Wusthof paring knife? My friend Jen would say, “Yes! It matches! Get the set!” And my German heritage tries beckon me. Wusthof’s are more commercially available, which is smart marketing as more and more Americans are taking cooking seriously. I went to Crate & Barrel and they had mostly Wusthofs and I even saw them at an outlet mall in Jersey.

I consulted that knife skill book I got and it says to get the smallest paring knife you can get (3″ or 3 1/2″). And as straight as a blade as possible.

I decided on the Global (Japanese) 3 1/2″ western-style GS38 - on sale at Amazon (qualifies for free super-saver shipping and tax free). Short? Check. Straight blade? Check. Good handle? Check. Globals are highly rated because so many pro chefs use them. What is alluring about Globals is that they are forged from one piece of metal (no rivets), lightweight and made from extra hard stainless steel so it stays sharper longer.

And then I got one of these jobs:

Miu (French) 20″ magnetic knife holder for $24.

Global also sells the same size for $115. Now I don’t know if they are worth paying five times more for. I am not certain, but they may contain treasure inside like frankincense or cigarettes or onion rings. Or it could be a total jack aimed at people who are obsessively product loyal like the suckers who buy the Apple Airport Base Station for $200.