So it’s a humid 95 degrees in New York on a Saturday. Every part of your body is sweaty and sticky and maybe even chaffing. It’s so disgustingly hot out that you are cranky and just want to puke or punch someone in the face. But you decide to go out to a nice restaurant. What do you think most people would choose to eat?

1. Light, (relatively) healthy fish with some spring veg.
2. Red meat: Fish is for women!
3. Risotto with duck confit: Nothing like a big bowl of hot, steamy, creamy, buttery starch on a hot as balls day!

Nothing says Summertime like hot, heavy dishes!

You probably already know of my dislike of the concept of brunch. I don’t believe in it and I think it’s evil: It ruins a big Sunday night dinner. I’m all like, “Hey, you wanna come over for Sunday roast?” and you’re all like, “I’d love to, but I had a really big brunch.” and I’m all like, “You cock.” Also, I don’t like breakfast foods: When I wake up, the last thing I want is a shitload of carbs with sugar on it.

There’s some other food thing people obsess over that I’m not into: Pizza. It’s not that I don’t enjoy pizza. The thing is that that I don’t crave pizza. Everyone I know has a major hankerin’ for pizza every so often. But not me. I am abnormal and crave things like salad. Even at Pizza Express (which I go to everytime I go to The U.K.), I order the pizza with the salad on it (the SoHo pizza–which has raw “rocket” aka roquette aka arugula). Should I be ashamed to be a New Yorker? I know what good pizza is and I know where to find it. I just don’t want it as much as other people do.

A Jedi craves not these things.

Sure, you can get purebred luncheon meats like ham or turkey. But olive loaf is an unholy alliance of bologna (snouts and asses pureed and put back together again– like Frankenstein but not as lonely) and green olives with pimentos. The result is a sweet, sweet forbidden fruit. And that is the money fruit. Er, money meat, in this case.

At work we started making our own dried sopresetta and chorizo (courtesy of Charcuterie and chemicals) and lamb flavored Slim Jim type dealies. I really want to figure out how to make olive loaf.

Here’s a haiku for my love:

Oh, my olive loaf
Soon you will be hip, trendy
NY Mag bloggings

Soon, my pretty, soon. 

It’s that time again. Time to look at the Google searches that got people to my little food blog. This time, I’m even gonna attempt to help people with their problems!

Searches are listed with most common to least common. So, again, people are obsessed with male cooks on television being gay.

• nathan lyon gay
• robert irvine gay
• bobby deen gay
• andrew zimmern “fat fuck”
• “hot sex” drink
• food fuck
• fresh hot good fish steamed light white healthy delicious
• fuck gout
• fried pork chop good for gout (I’m gonna go with ‘no’ for this one.)
• gay goose “michael chiarello”
• how to have a clean butthole (Um. Wash it daily?)
• how to make chinese soy sauce porn (Chinese people + soy sauce + camera = success!)
• lesbians sharing chewed food
• lose sex apetite after i drink (Then don’t drink, whiskey dick. Duh.)
• penis handled cookware
• extreme huge pussy (See: “robert irvine gay”)
• turd too big
• bizzare foods andrew zimmern penis
• dog ate mac n cheese now has diarrhea
• pho, honky bowl
• seal feces recipe (Dude.)
• “take home chef”+do they plant a person in the supermarket (I dunno, but they should plant a host in there.)
• ate expired banana chip (Oh, no! You’re gonna die!)
• gordon ramsay your cooking on a burnt pan you fucking donkey
• gout olives doritos (I’d totally try that flavor)
• the fat king hnery that ate all the food

My pick for funniest, stupidest, saddest AND most grammatically incorrect:

• how can i do to get my cock big with what foods to eat

Gay.

Gay.

Totally gay.

Just a fat guy that likes penis.

Here’s what Wikipeida says:

Gluttony (Latin, gula)

Derived from the Latin, gluttire, meaning to gulp down or swallow, gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste. In the Christian religions, it is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food, or its withholding from the needy.

Depending on the culture, it can be seen as either a vice or a sign of status. Where food is relatively scarce, being able to eat well might be something to take pride in (although this can also result in a moral backlash when confronted with the reality of those less fortunate). Where food is routinely plentiful, it may be considered a sign of self control to resist the temptation to over-indulge.

Early Church leaders (e.g., Thomas Aquinas) took a more expansive view of gluttony (Okholm 2000), arguing that it could also include an obsessive anticipation of meals, and the constant eating of delicacies and excessively costly foods. He went so far as to prepare a list of six ways to commit gluttony, including:

• Praepropere - eating too soon
• Laute - eating too expensively
• Nimis - eating too much
• Ardenter - eating too eagerly
• Studiose - eating too daintily
• Forente - eating too fervently

The “obsessive anticipation of meals” is sending me and OCD housewives like Martha Stewart to hell. I hope I don’t have to hang out with them there.

In my America, douchebaggery would be a sin.

Also, I agree that dainty, or picky eaters (with or without the fetal alcohol syndrome), should be sent to the third circle of hell. This includes vegans who request vegan mashed potatoes in the middle of Friday night dinner service, people who order their $27 protein well done and this woman who came in claiming she was a vegetarian / pescitarian but then said she sometimes ate poultry in teeny tiny amounts. What the fuck is the difference between eating a bite of chicken and the whole fucking thing? That’s like me saying, “Oh, I’m not a cannibal, I only had one finger.”

A recent blog posting by NY Mag about overrated food-related things:

“• M.F.K. Fisher. Can we go on record as saying that we never liked Fisher as a food writer? Her treacly, precious, brittle meditations never moved us, made us hungry, or plated a meaningful memory. Give us the Sterns, Calvin Trillin, or A.J. Liebling any day.”

That’s like saying Cartier-Bresson is overrated or that “Star Wars” is overrated or that Pokey isn’t cute. Fuck you, New York Magazine. You and your boners for David Chang and Berkshire pork and BLT anything are overrated. Oh, and Chowhound. I’ll come over to the Upper East Side and fight you.

Go read some M.F.K. Fisher and she’ll make you feel grateful that you have tastebuds.

Babies are also overrated. Underrated as a food souce, though.