For your health!

It’s that time again. Time to look at the Google searches that got people to my little food blog. This time, I’m even gonna attempt to help people with their problems!

Searches are listed with most common to least common. So, again, people are obsessed with male cooks on television being gay.

• nathan lyon gay
• robert irvine gay
• bobby deen gay
• andrew zimmern “fat fuck”
• “hot sex” drink
• food fuck
• fresh hot good fish steamed light white healthy delicious
• fuck gout
• fried pork chop good for gout (I’m gonna go with ‘no’ for this one.)
• gay goose “michael chiarello”
• how to have a clean butthole (Um. Wash it daily?)
• how to make chinese soy sauce porn (Chinese people + soy sauce + camera = success!)
• lesbians sharing chewed food
• lose sex apetite after i drink (Then don’t drink, whiskey dick. Duh.)
• penis handled cookware
• extreme huge pussy (See: “robert irvine gay”)
• turd too big
• bizzare foods andrew zimmern penis
• dog ate mac n cheese now has diarrhea
• pho, honky bowl
• seal feces recipe (Dude.)
• “take home chef”+do they plant a person in the supermarket (I dunno, but they should plant a host in there.)
• ate expired banana chip (Oh, no! You’re gonna die!)
• gordon ramsay your cooking on a burnt pan you fucking donkey
• gout olives doritos (I’d totally try that flavor)
• the fat king hnery that ate all the food

My pick for funniest, stupidest, saddest AND most grammatically incorrect:

• how can i do to get my cock big with what foods to eat

Gay.

Gay.

Totally gay.

Just a fat guy that likes penis.

Are you a housewife who doesn’t know how to cook? Ashamed that you will get beatened by your husband when he comes home from work and you don’t have dinner ready? Is ramming a whole chicken into a hot oven too complicated for your tiny, inferior female brain? Have no fear! Perdue’s here to help!

It’s as easy as putting on lipstick!

Chicken not scarey. Chicken friend.

I bet that this dude, who wrote what he thought was an exposé about Iron Chef America, goes up to children and tells them that there’s no Santa Claus. And then I bet he walks home feeling all smug like he’s done something important and righted some injustice. What a cock.

As you may or may not know, I have an affinity for baby wipes. People may think it’s gross, but any arguement you have against them, I have a great defense supporting them. I don’t know why more people don’t use them. Why should babies be the only ones? I mean, those dudes don’t even know how to control their own bowels.

Anyway, Fairway decided to jack up the price on them. Which is fine, because I will pay for the luxury of them. But raising the price sixty fucking cents in two weeks?! Come on! That’s just some effed up ess, right there. I remember in high school when my local supermarket raised the price of Little Debbie’s Zebra Cakes by twenty cents and I went berzerker then, too.

In addition, Seventh Generation even changed the packaging slightly - making the baby a little more, um, whiter. I always thought that thing was a ginger halfie, which made me even more inclined to buy it because I was ginger when I was a baby. Now it’s juse some cracker baby taking my money.

Soon baby wipes will cost more than smokes.

But at least there aren’t naked children on a pack of Camel Lights.

Last weekend, I took the leftover rabbit braise and some short crust dough home with me so I could make my rabbit pot pie for Matt. Here it is:

I don’t like to eat too many processed foods - they make me feel icky. However, I do like my trashy bachelor chow type foods. Especially after dealing with fine dining cuisine all day. I can now understand how Hugh Grant, when going out with the hottest broad in the world just wanted some nasty sex from a dirty prostitute. So I was way stoked to find Annie’s mac ‘n’ cheese. It tastes exactly like Velveeta, except it’s doesn’t have any chemicals or ingredients you can’t pronounce. Today I made some for lunch and noticed the box was kind fucked up. I went to pour the pasta into the water and whatthefuck I get two cheese sauce packets! Whoa! It totally made my day.

Unfortunatly, it does not contain any rabbit meat. 

This past weekend was the premier of my first dish at The Restaurant: Individual rabbit pot pie. Braised rabbits with white wine, thyme, carrots, red potatoes, mushrooms, leeks, garlic and onions in a short crust. Available in appetizer and entree portions (the latter served with haricot vert). I was pretty happy with the dish except for the fact that I couldn’t use green peas (we don’t use produce that’s not in season) and that my chefs made me plate the pie on a doiley.

There’s a swell of pride when you cook at home and sucessfully pull off someone else’s recipe. But coming up with your own dish that strangers are willing to pay for is like fifty times that. It’s kinda like the difference between masturbating and sitting on your hand until it goes numb and then masturbating.

Looks like a skinned Pokey. If Pokey was skinny.

Before there was Netflix. Before there was BlockBuster. There was Video Orchard, our local independent video store on Long Island. Complete with back room for adults, separated with a beaded curtain. Over and over again I’d rent this one tape of Disney’s Silly Symphonies just to watch this one food cartoon: