The FDA said it can’t guarantee that all the contaminated dog and cat food have been removed from store shelves. I’ve been feeding Pokey Pedigree for the last few years (luckily not on the Menu Foods recall list). Regardless, this toxic dog food business has got me thinking of what the hell I’m forcing my dog to eat.

When Matt and I were apartment hunting, we drove by a Merrick truck. I had never heard of Merrick before. I saw there was a picture on the side of the truck of a tin can labeled “turducken” and I flipped out. Matt and I could’t figure out what it was. I was hoping it would be delicious stock or broth. Matt thought it might be gravy. It took us a few minutes to figure out it was dog food. I was kinda jealous.

It just so happens that the New York Magazine’s best pet store in Brooklyn*, Love Thy Pet, is a block away from our new place. So I took Pokey there and they gave him treats and a free can of dog food - Wingalings, made by Merrick ($1.79-$2.38 for a large 13.2 oz can).

This stuff looks good. Like REALLY good. Like if I was drunk enough, I’d probably try it. Hey, don’t judge - it’s free of artificial flavors, colors and preservatives. There are even whole chicken wings inside the can! The label says the bones have been softened and are perfectly safe for your dog to eat. Unlike those tainted Menu Foods dog foods, Merrick uses minimal processing. I figured since I started eating better in last few months, Pokey should too. Especially since he’s become a lazy, fat bastard. I am pretty sure that a can of Merrick dog food is healthier for you to consume than a Hungry Man Dinner - in case you are poor, hungry and/or drunk.

Merrick dog food, cat food and treats are available at better pet stores, some health food stores and online.

Soft food (what you probably call “wet food”) flavors come in: Thanksgiving Day Dinner, Turducken, Venison Holiday Stew, Wild Buffalo Grill, Wingaling, Wilderness Blend, Working Dog Stew, Rocky Mountain Rainbow, Senior Medley, Smothered Comfort, Puppy Plate, Mediterranean Banquet, New Zealand Summer, Cowboy Cookout, French Country Paté, Grammy’s Pot Pie, Harvest Moon, Brauts-n-Tots and a tasting menu called Gourmet Lunch Box which contains eight different flavors ($13.50-23). Hard food (what you probably call “dry food”) also available.

Merrick’s website (You can find cheaper places online to buy it then directly through them - like in bulk on Amazon!)

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*By “Brooklyn” I mean Boerum Hill / Cobble Hill / Carroll Gardens - The only parts of Brooklyn (aside from Park Slope) that that magazine deems worthy of recognition. Unless they are picking on hipsters in Williamburg, which is like shooting fish in a barrel.

I was on the terlit, reading “Techniques of Healthy Cooking ” by The Culinary Institute of America and it had a page on MSG.

Apparently MSG (which has 1/3 the amount of sodium of salt and is more delicious - falling into the umami category of taste) is perfectly safe to eat in moderation. There have been dozens of studies and they found no link between moderate intake levels of MSG and any problems in normal, healthy individuals. But MSG never shook off the bad rep it got in the late 60’s. The book says that people who think they have an adverse reaction to it may have a food allergy to something else or some other medical condition (or maybe the chef did something awful to your food).

Lots of junk food products contain MSG, just look at the ingredient list on the back of a sack of Doritos for “monosodium glutamate”.

Bring on the delicious seasoning!

I wasn’t always a snotty foodie. I wasn’t always as anal I am now about caring for my kitchen gear. I’m not above admitting my ignorance about things, like I used to put my Wusthof in the dishwasher and when I was ten years old I put a finished wood bowl in the microwave. So I have stayed away from wood gear for years -the stuff kept splitting on me and no one ever told me it was because you had to oil it and couldn’t soak it in water. (This was in the days before the wealth of knowledge on the information superhighway.)

Matt and I purchased a butcher block from Ikea for our new apartment. It’s made out of solid birch and metal, the GROLAND ($199). Here’s a photo of it (unoiled). Ikea says you should ONLY use their oil blend, BEHANDLA, on your Ikea gear. First of all, I usually call shenanigans when a company says to only use their products. Secondly, the vague ingredients listed on the website is different from what the actual container says: Linseed oil, tung oil, mineral oil, and lot of things that start with “benzo-” and end in cancer. Plus, it’s an Ikea product and that in itself doesn’t gain my confidence in their quality.

I took a chance and purchased John Boo’s Mystery Oil ($6-8 for 16 oz) based on John Boo’s reputation. The “mystery” is that it doesn’t tell you what the ingredients are. Various websites say it’s made of pure mineral oil, raw linseed oil, tung oil and natural citrus extracts. I couldn’t dig up anything else with my world class detective skills (read: Google searches). The bottle does say safe for any food preparation surface. I’ll let you know if I develop a toxic shock syndrome or something.

I read online that you are supposed to oil your new wood products once a week for the first month and once a month for the first year. And sand it down with fine sand paper once in awhile. I guess it’s a good thing I have a lot of time on my hands.

I don’t know what the hell a lingonberry is, but it’s mighty delicious.

Cost: $1 premixed from Ikea, no assembly required
ChewFood rating: A- (a little too sweet)

Cedar’s Pita Chips (plain flavored): Oh, boy! Are these things shitty! Imagine the thinnest chip physically possible. And then take away it’s flavor. And then try dragging that chip through a thick hummus. Did I mention that all the “chips” are broken up in the bag? These things are useless. Actually, maybe you can add milk and make a cereal out of it.

ChewFood grade: D-

Stacy’s Pita Chips (”Simply Naked” flavored): Awesome. The right amount of salt. Giant whole squares of crispy goodness. And they are uber thick - almost as thick as a book of matches. I also recommend the “Texarkana Hot” flavor - those things are spicy (the real kind of spicy, not the lame “spicy” that most brands make for white people’s sensitive taste buds).

ChewFood grade: A

Kettle Brand Pita Chips (”Salt Kissed” flavored): Apparently to the Kettle Brand people, “kissed” means “made out with tongues”. They were so salty that after a handful of chips, my tongue was swollen and numb. I thought that was especially weird for Kettle, whose potato chips are the best (Chedder Beer being my favorite). I wrote to them and told them this and they sent me two coupons for free bags of Kettle Brand Chips.

ChewFood grade: C+

Healthier hummus

Makes about a cup and a half of hummus - enough to last me for or a week or two. I pretty much just eyeball everything for this recipe now. It’s pretty hard to eff up hummus. I pan fry the garlic because it’s faster than roasting.

• One 15 oz. can chickpeas, drained and rinsed
• Juice from half a lemon
• One teaspoon of Hungarian paprika (you can substitute regular paprika with a dash of cayenne)
• Small handful of flat leaf parsley
• Two tablespoons (less or more depending on your taste) of tahini - if you don’t want to shell out the bones for tahini, Alton Brown uses peanut butter
• Six cloves of garlic
• Three or four tablespoons olive oil

Pan fry garlic in olive oil over medium heat until soft and brown (about five minutes). Set aside to cool. Once cool, throw everything in the food processor (including the garlic infused olive oil) and whiz. If too thick, add more olive oil and/or water to desired consistency. Season with salt and pepper or more fresh lemon juice. Serve with crudité or pita chips. Use instead of mayo on sandwiches and tuna salads.

Health: This is pretty good for you even though it’s high in (good) fat. Eat in moderation.

Cost: Cheap. $1.10 for about ten to twelve servings.

Cost breakdown:
chickpeas $.75
lemon $.25
paprika $.10 ($3 a tin)
parsley $.25 ($1.99 a bunch)
tahini $.50 ($5 a jar)
garlic $.25

Matt and I went to the Fairway in Red Hook yesterday for the first time. Dear lord, this is what a supermarket is supposed to be. It’s a gourmand’s wet dream. They have practically everything you want or need (well, except for the $18 pepper, I checked). Regular and organic and health foods in one building. It’s like a less pretentious, somewhat more middle class version of Whole Foods.

I only have four complaints. The first is that it’s designed as a maze: You are forced to walk through the entire store (like Stew Leonard’s, minus the animatronics), so it makes it really hard just to pop in and just buy some milk and bread. Secondly, you need a car to go there. The third is that the produce wasn’t as fresh as you’d think. Fourth, is that even despite the three previous qualms, Fairway is too awesome. Too awesome means that I will want to go there all the time to buy stuff that I don’t really need. Pretty soon I’ll end up like Jeffrey Steingarten or Hedonism-Bot (as seen above, being smothered in chocolate). I’ll be smacking my lips loudly and wheezing while I eat.

Anyway, here’s a brief list of awesomeness I found:

• Freshly made pumpkin gnocchi
• Two mega-lobster-saurus’ at $12/lb
• Organic hypo-allergenic free-range cruelty-free sustainable flax-based biodegradable condoms (okay, this one I made up)
• Foie gras
• Jiffy Pop
• Rick’s Picks
• About twenty different kinds of loose olives for $6/lb
• Eight or ten different Fairway brand olive oils that you could test out with baguette slices
• An entire skinned goat sitting in the butcher’s case - with the head still on
• And the thing-de-resistance:

Goose fat! For $9 a jar!

So I say fuck Whole Foods coming to Brooklyn. Fairway doesn’t need gimmicks like conveyer belt sushi and a “shower” in the cheese department.