Double seafood is fucking awesome. If you don’t dig it, you’re a Communist. USA! USA! USA!
(Both of these were taken with my camera phone.)
This is a nasty looking photo. It’s a stripped bass (head severed) with three mussels in it’s gullet!
Cleaning squid is by far my favorite task. I found this little guy inside a squid!
So it’s a humid 95 degrees in New York on a Saturday. Every part of your body is sweaty and sticky and maybe even chaffing. It’s so disgustingly hot out that you are cranky and just want to puke or punch someone in the face. But you decide to go out to a nice restaurant. What do you think most people would choose to eat?
Nothing says Summertime like hot, heavy dishes!
Maybe you’ve seen the Pizza Hut commercials proclaiming that they now serve pasta. This got me thinking: What is the advantage of ordering pasta delivered from them?
Let’s say it takes them thirty minutes to get to your place. In thirty minutes, you could pull a Rachael Ray and do the easiest “cooking” possible: Boil water (gas and water being virtually free), throw in some Ronzoni ($2 a box), toss with jar of shitty Ragu ($3) and maybe sprinkle some of that Kraft parmesan “cheese” from that green shaker. Or if you want to get fancy, you can sprinkly some 4C bread crumbs on top and stick it under the broiler for a couple of minutes. Estimated cost: $5 for a shitload (”shitload” meaning four to six servings).
Cooking in this bachelor-chow type manner is a half-step harder than heating up a Hungryman dinner (which probably is available in pasta flavor). You can argue that it requires the same amount of effort to mute the television, call Pizza Hut, order, put on pants, answer the door and do the math to get your change back. Pizza Hut’s pasta feeds four (not sure if the portion is for four fat asses as an entree or four USDA recommended portions) and costs $12 plus tip (unless you are cheap bastard)*.
Now, I haven’t tried Pizza Hut’s pasta, but I’ll bet twenty bones that it tastes the same as the recipe above or even a Lean Cuisine or something. And I bet you are more likely to get the shits from The Hut, too.
Check out the ingredients and nutritional contents.
(*If you are a severe recluse with social anxiety disorder, you can order online or through text messaging – without pants on.)
Lady, if you can afford that manicure, you can afford more delicious, nutritious food.
You probably already know of my dislike of the concept of brunch. I don’t believe in it and I think it’s evil: It ruins a big Sunday night dinner. I’m all like, “Hey, you wanna come over for Sunday roast?” and you’re all like, “I’d love to, but I had a really big brunch.” and I’m all like, “You cock.” Also, I don’t like breakfast foods: When I wake up, the last thing I want is a shitload of carbs with sugar on it.
There’s some other food thing people obsess over that I’m not into: Pizza. It’s not that I don’t enjoy pizza. The thing is that that I don’t crave pizza. Everyone I know has a major hankerin’ for pizza every so often. But not me. I am abnormal and crave things like salad. Even at Pizza Express (which I go to everytime I go to The U.K.), I order the pizza with the salad on it (the SoHo pizza–which has raw “rocket” aka roquette aka arugula). Should I be ashamed to be a New Yorker? I know what good pizza is and I know where to find it. I just don’t want it as much as other people do.
A Jedi craves not these things.
I’ve been tagged! I’m officially “in” with the blogging community! Oh, I feel so accepted. Foodette from RestaurantReviewWorld.com has axed me to list my five favorite places to eat in the area. Unfortunately, I don’t eat out at new places as much as I like to.
Favorite sushi: Kotobuki in Babylon, Long Island. Not to be confused with the sub-par Kotobuki Sushi and Thai in Carroll Gardens. Kotobuki LI is the fourth top rated restaurant in the Long Island Zagat. My only problem with it is that the sushi rice is overly seasoned and too sweet. I used to drive forty minutes and wait another hour just to eat there. The amuse bouche cold noodles are amazing. Service is great.
Favorite drunken snack: Pomme Frites. ‘Nuff said.
Favorite BBQ: Fette Sau in Williamsburg, Brookyln. I don’t care what my nay-saying friends think, I find this shit to be quality. Texas-style (dry rubbed, no sauces). Forgo the dry-ass ribs and go for the berkshire pork belly that melts in your mouth. Cafeteria-style seating. Three dozen whiskies and craft beers in drinkin’ jars. You just have to put up with slow service and young hipsters and their critical stares.
Favorite non-adult beverage treat: Ten Ren Tea House or Saint’s Alp Tea House. Bubble tea. Hot or cold, it’s milky and sweet and contains those giant gelatinous tapioca bubbles. I think I’m going to die choking on one of those things. It will be a delicious death, though. Dozens on flavors including coffee, coconut, ginger, taro and melon. Visually, they are adorable with their pastel colors, dome cap and oversized straws. Both businesses have international locations.
Favorite chain restaurant: Penang. I used be a hostess / server / bartender at the Long Island location. Only a handful of Penang’s are left: In New York, Boston and Philadelphia. It’s Malaysian cuisine, which isn’t really authentic, but it’s tasty and affordable with a “hip” atmosphere. I like the sarang burung: A deep fried taro root bowl filled with seafoods, veg and cashews. They also make an amazing green curry. The menus differ slightly from location to location.
The best meal I’ve ever had in my life: Le Bernardin’s tasting menu.
I know that’s six, but fuck it. And apparently I have to tag other food bloggers to do the same. I dunno who the hell reads this crap I spew out, though.
1. & 2.) The Paupered Chef boys. One lives in Brooklyn and one lives in Ohio. Great photos, writing, research, recipes and reviews. And good guys to get drunk with.
3.) Michele Humes. She’s from Hong Kong, went to a French school, lived in Edinburgh and now resides in Brooklyn and goes to The French Culinary Institute. She’s got an great palate.
4.) J. Slab of Porkchop Express. He reports on quality, cheap ethnic eats in Brooklyn. And he always replies to my emails.
As a woman of discerning taste, I could drink these shits until I puke.
My problem with Starbucks is that they do not have simple syrup out on their little fixin’s bar. I see people order ice coffees and put white or raw sugar in it. I cringe at the thought of getting a mouthful of grainy, sweet sugar while trying to chillax and enjoy a refreshing iced coffee on a hot day. Especially since you just paid $4 for it. You have to ask for their “classic flavored” syrup when ordering, I’m pretty sure they charge you for it, and you don’t even get to control the amount they put in. Big mistake, Starbucks. You’ve made The List.
The place around the corner from me, The Coffee Den, is where I get my iced coffees from. They are kinda expensive ($3 for a large) and the coffee isn’t the best. However, they have simple syrup out which I greatly appreciate.
Simple syrup is so named because it’s really effing simple. Sugar + water + heat = deliciousness. You can make it during a commercial break of Hell’s Kitchen and it’s extremely hard to eff up. And because of this newfangled thing called “science”, the syrup is actually about 20% sweeter than the OG sugar.
Take equal parts sugar and water and heat in a sauce pan over medium heat, stirring occasionally until the sugar dissolves. You can add more sugar if you want it thicker. Store at room temperature or in the fridge for several months. (I use raw sugar, which I just found out isn’t actually better for you.)
Make flavored simple syrup by throwing in a cinnamon stick, a vanilla pod, some lemongrass or a few citrus rinds. Put it in iced beverages, adult beverages, over fruit or whatever else Google tells you you can do with it.
R. Kelly is currently working on a song about sex and simple syrup.
I’m up the part in “The Omnivore’s Dilema” about how a human can only consume so many pounds of food in a year and how this is a bane of food corporations. That got me thinking about beverages.
There are so many more alternative (and malternative) beverages on the market than from when I was a kid. We had the big name brand sodas, powdered ice tea mix and those barrel “juices” that were 10 for $1 and made my throat scratchy. Then came along Snapple and Wendy with their juices, teas and sodas (which I miss, like the cherry-lime rickey) and other small companies that didn’t make it (Original New York Seltzer). Then Red Bell. Vitamin Water. Arizona. Pomegranate juice. The explosion of bottled water and fall-out of people ooh-la-la-ing someone who drinks Evian. We spend so much money on beverages when tap water is basically free.
Even the liquor companies have jumped on the band wagon and released new drink flavors. Vanilla vodka, mango rum and coffee tequila. Though, I think this is a total novelty and assume the market for these things are high maintenance women and guidos.
This isn’t a call to go back to the basics. I actually dig the vast varieties. I’m sipping on a Ito En peach tea right now that costs $1.50 each at Fairway. One bottle contains 120 calories and 30g of sugars. I am prone to buying the large gallon sizes of Diet Arizona Green Tea with honey, which I refer to as “Juice”. I’m not a soda drinker any more, but I’m currently a sucker for anything new and “natural” that’s flavored with natural sugars. Unfortunately, more often than not, they are shitty.
What is it about new beverages that make us say, “Oooh, I wanna try that!”? More so with most people than foods. When’s the last time you heard someone say, “Celery root? I’ve never had that. I gotta get me some.”
“‘Ey, oh! Lemme get a blueberry martini wit Red Bull. And a jack’n'diet for my bro.”
There’s no food move that I hate more than an overcooked piece of meat. Especially a quality piece of meat. And yesterday I ruined a roast and am still lamenting it. It’s never happened to me before. I used to be able to cook roast beef to perfection even without a thermometer.
Yesterday I had a little casual dinner party. I braved Fairway twice this weekend for supplies. Jamie Oliver’s Sunday Roast: Roast beef with rosemary potatoes and a red onion, red wine jus and huge-ass Yorkshire puddings. I’ve made this meal quite a few times before, but never in my new apartment.
I bought this beautiful 2 1/2 lb. organical eye of round (not round eye, which probably would taste dry and bland). The color was this amazing bright pink.
I had a digital thermometer and all. I took it out of the oven when it hit 135 F. After letting it rest and making my Yorkshire puddings and pan gravy, Matt cut into the roast to reveal, gulp, well-done! We figured it was a combination of me covering it with too much with tinfoil while resting on the granite countertop. But from medium rare to well done? That’s craziness. At least it was the best well-done roast beef I’ve ever had (I think due to the organicalness).
I’m still all 
(meaning floating frowny head with no body) especially since I was having company over and wanted to impress them. And it doesn’t help that I’m working in a fine restaurant and should be able to cook a god damn roast beef to somewhat near desired doneness.
So now I know not to let foods rest on granite. I should go buy a janky cooling rack. And I’m never letting meat rest under tinfoil again. Lesson learned.
Lately, brunch has been a big bummer. Don’t get me wrong, I believe it should be one of the most revered meals of the week. You can choose breakfast food, lunch food, or something in between, plus, drinking is actually encouraged. It is more or less a perfect meal.
But lately, restaurants have had a massive amount of suck-age when it comes to this fantastic meal. If waiting 45 minutes for a meal with a blinding hangover headache doesn’t deter you, the fact that once seated, you’ll be given the check before you’re half way through you meal might. I thought at first it was just the trendy neighborhood I live in, where the combination of youth, drinking and disposable incomes translated into long lines and rushed service. Even with a rather large variety of restaurants to choose from, it was a mostly unpleasant experience. Recent forays into the city and and other parts of Brooklyn have unfortunately let me to believe that this is a prevalent phenomenon.
Once you finally get a seat, coffee, and alcoholic beverage of choice, looking at the brunch menu has become a little disappointing as well. It seems like most places are catering to the lower common taste denominator. Biscuits and gravy are good, but should they be so ubiquitous that even the Mexican joint serves them at brunch? And I’m a big fan of eggs Benedict, and admire creativity with the choice of “toppings” served with a poached egg, but how come this often translates into stinginess. Last Sunday I tried a French place in Carroll Gardens, and I won’t go into details, but calling what I had “eggs Benedict” was certainly a misnomer.
A few months ago, I started getting wise. Most brunch items are easy to make at home, and you can linger over your meal, without having someone hovering over you waiting to collect the check. Here are some tips to enjoy a brunch at home.
DRINKS: Of course, bloody Mary’s are the way to go, and most people are really partial to their favorite preparation, so I won’t go into how I prefer mine. Mimosa are also easy to make, as are Screwdrivers. But if you want to switch it up a bit, here are some ideas to try:
THE OVEN: Use the oven, the rule of thumb should be, the more people you serve, the more you should use your oven. Tray pans of potatoes (chunks tossed in spices and roasted are easy and delicious), bacon, sausage evenly cook decent amounts for a crowd. Eggs cooked in toast (or a large hollowed out foccocia), Swedish oven pancakes and french toast “casserole” are other ways that keep you from having to do made-to-order of these brunch staples.
LUNCH ITEMS: I usually like to make at least one lunch salad, sometimes two. A nice green salad with lots of herbs (parsley, mint, tarragon) cut into it. Cantaloupe with green onions, rice vinegar and slivered pepperoni. Non-mayonnaise macaroni salad works too.
The more options the merrier. And the best part about it is that you get to spend quality time with the people you’re brunching with, truly worth the effort.
Categories: Recipes , Restaurants , Observations , Education and Carroll Gardens
Discussion: 5 Comments
Peter Meehan from the New York Times has a big food boner for Fette Sau. I liked it more than my friends, but granted, I don’t know BBQ as well as they do. Meehan recommends the ribs, so maybe he knows even less about BBQ than I do.
