This really fucking annoying bar on the corner of Smith and Sackett has closed it doors forever this past Saturday. Quench had more guidos, meatheads and bimbos hanging out outside of it instead of drinking inside of it. It blasted stupid music like the crap that goes “nst-nst-nst” and Bon Jovi. Stereotypes from Bay Ridge would show up drunk and driving, in sweatpants, full of cat-calls and pick fights with each other. Even the people who worked inside would do asshole things.

PS-What’s replacing it is a cheese and wine bar by the owners of Stinky Brooklyn (cheese shop) and Smith & Vine (liquor store).

Smell you later, Quench. Smell you later, forever.

I had two weeks off from The Restaurant and tried to eat out at new places as much as possible. Let me preface this with the fact that, for some reason, I am constantly ordering the worst thing on a restaurant’s menu. I don’t know why this happens, but like in those Budweiser radio ads, I am the person that ends up suffering with “entree envy”. Also, when reviewing a restaurant, I don’t hold things like shitty service, having to wait for a table or if they run out of a dish against the restaurant.

1.) Crave (570 Henry Street, between Carroll and Summit in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn): A very small, but cute and modern restaurant. A majority of their business is take-out and delivery. The menu is pretty large for such a small place. It ranges from chicken sandwiches with fries to fine dining. Matt and I ordered from the $25 prix fixe menu (Tuesdays through Thursdays). I got the frog legs and fried chicken and mochi. Matt got Thai-style mussels and trout and panna cotta.

Would I go back? Yes.

2.) Hana Cafe (235 Smith Street between Douglass and Butler in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn): I went here for a late lunch of sushi because it was three pm and most places on Smith Street stop serving lunch at that time. Cute atmosphere and unlike most other generic Japanese restaurants, the staff doesn’t stand around watching you eat. The fish for the sushi and sashimi wasn’t so fresh, but the rolls were tasty. Sushi and sashimi lunch special $12 (lunch is from noon until four).

Would I go back? If they were my only option again. And I’d get kitchen food.

3.) Saul: (140 Smith Street between Dean and Bergen, Boerum Hill? Brooklyn Heights? I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care, Brooklyn) Saul has a Michelin Star and it’s prices reflect it. The amuse was a pureed red lentil soup with creme fraiche and chives which was simple and delicious but odd since it’s Summertime. I had the seared Hudson Valley foie gras (they also do a terrine of it) and Matt had a homemade pasta special that included a poached egg and mussel stock. I, unfortunatley but not surprisingly, choose my entree poorly: I had the diver scallops with hen of the woods mushrooms (also known as maitake) and chorizo. I picked this entree solely because maitakes are my favorite mushrooms. They smell so fragrant and earthy and I describe the taste as the what the air tastes like during a Summer thunderstorm. The mushrooms needed salt (and they don’t put salt on the tables, very arrogant) and I got some sand or bits of shell in my scallops. And my water glass had a chip in the lip. Matt’s entree, “a lamb tasting” special, was definitely Michelin worthy. Five different cuts of lamb! Including the kidney! They also do a $45 four-course prix fixe and a $95 tasting menu. Saul himself was in the kitchen, but he wasn’t in chef whites: Old t-shirt, cargo shorts, flip-flops and nothing covering his hair. Very dangerous. Like asps.

Would I go back? Because it’s so expensive, I’d rather try some place new. If money wasn’t an issue, then yes I’d go for the tasting menu.

4.) Kebab Cafe (25-12 Steinway St. at 25th Ave, Astoria, Queens): Holy shit! Did you see that recent episode of Bizzare Foods / No Reservations with Andrew Zimmern and Anthony Bourdain about New York City? Kebab Cafe is the Egyptian place they went to in Astoria that sells all sorts of awfully delicious offals. A teeny tiny restaurant with about five or six tables, but the chef (Ali) comes to your table and instead of handing you a menu, he tells you the menu. Choose your own adventure out of veg, fish and meat (all with “Egyptian hocus-pocus”). Meat included oxtail, tongue, mountain oysters (that’s a nice way of saying “nutsack” for you n00bz), heart, brains, livers, sweetbreads and more! Good god! I told Ali to cook me some sort of organ meat of choice. He made me sweetbreads, which satiated my organ meat craving, but were sauteed instead of breaded and fried. My friend Joe got the tongue and his girlfriend Red won with the oxtail dish (which contained a mysterious heart, about the size of a button and which I enjoyed).

So after a hummus, babaganoush and some other mystery paste plate, we shared two appetizers. Then entrees. Then a dessert plate and I still wasn’t stuffed. Awesome.

Would I go back? Fuck yeah, mother fuck! I’d go back for dinner right now if I didn’t have plans. I want brains and hearts and livers!

5.) Chimu (482 Union Ave between the BQE service road and Conselyea, Williamsburg, Brooklyn): An unassuming Peruvian restaurant in Williamsburg right next door to THE hipster bar, Union Pool. Oddly enough, there were no hipsters eating there but a whole lot of norms. A very welcoming, sincere staff. Matt and I shared the paella special for two. I’m used to paella being a plate of seasoned rice with some bits of seafood in it. This fucker was a pot of seafood with maybe half a cup of rice at the bottom. A whole lobster, crab claws, green lipped mussels, shrimps, calamari rings. Unfortunately, the fish wasn’t the freshest but I wasn’t expecting it to be. They do have pitchers of delicious sangria, though.

Would I go back? Only if my friends wanted to go.

6.) Fette Sau (354 Metropolitan Ave at Havemeyer, Williamsburg, Brooklyn): My third time. The pork ribs have gotten better. And this time they had pastrami on the menu, which isn’t anything like deli counter pastrami.

Would I go back? I’m gonna keep going until they have pig tails. After five trips and no pig tails, I’m gonna call shenanigans.

7.) Nita Nita (46 Wythe Ave at North 8th, Williamsburg, Brooklyn). A cute, hip-but-not-hipster tapas lounge and bar in Williamsburg. I went here for drinks and tapas for a friend’s birthday. I don’t know shit about tapas, but these dealies were delicious. Chorizo sausage with croutons ($6), cold medium-rare beef slices with rosemary jus ($?), a cheese board with three cheeses, baguette and apple slices ($12). And sangria. So much sangria. And other girlie drink specials. They also have a late night snack menu and midnight happy hour. Oh, and a garden.

Would I go back? Yes, with other ladies to escape the dive bars and meat markets in that neighborhood.

8.) Hibino: (333 Henry Street between Atlantic and Pacific, Brooklyn Heights?) Not your typical, cookie-cutter Japanese restaurant. You know, those neighborhood places that have exactly the same menu, except maybe they come up with difference names for their sushi rolls like “crazy roll” or “green dragon roll” or “viagra roll” and they all offer teriyaki and tempura and lunch specials. This place feels more authentic. A wonderful, clean, modern interior with an open kitchen. Japanese style tapas called obanzai for $4 a plate and the selection changes every day. We got broiled hamachi (yellowtail) jaw, beef tataki (carpaccio, pictured) and “fried squid bits”. Matt got the braised beef and I had the sushi dinner. We shared a soy pudding for dessert which came with soy tea! They also make their own tofu!

Would I go back? What time’s good for you?

9.) Cafe LULUc (214 Smith Street, between Baltic and Butler, Brooklyn): Fuck this place. It comes along all inviting like and says “Hey, look at me! I look like a cute Parisian cafe! Have a cafe au lait and read some magazines, why not maybe perhaps?” And then you go in there and order the tuna niçoise salad and you know you are gonna get canned tuna but fuck it you want it anyway but holy fuck they give you canned black olives!!! What fucking kind of “French” eatery does that? Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS!!! Fuck this place.

Would I go back? Fuck this place.

There also a new bar in my neighborhood called Bar Great Harry (280 Smith Street at Sackett, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn). It opened two weeks ago and replaced the odd-smelling Bar. You know, adjacent and across the street from that loud, guido, tramp and douchebag filled bar, Quench. BGH is a beer based bar that also has liquor, but no frozen hurricanes nor $.25 wings nor ladies night. They sell DUB pies, though! Two beer-knowledgeable, friendly, hilarious brothers run it. 12 beers on draught and 60+ beers in bottles and cans. Mainly craft beers, but if for some health reason, like if you lack of tastebuds, they do have Bud and a few other crappy beers, but they will make fun of you behind your back. Or at least I will. Average beer costs $5-7.

Getting the gout is God’s way of telling us we should eat delicious organs in moderation.

Dear Joey V.,

This muggy June weather has given me a case of the vapors. So last Saturday I went to cool off with a few tastey beverages at a bar down the block that I think that you actually own in the future. But Future Joe hasn’t met Present Joe because that would fuck-up the space-time continuum and the world would implode into a black hole and Doc Brown would not be able to help you out.

It’s called Moonshine and I was too drunk to figure out if they actually had any moonshine. Nevertheless, I have my own moonshine if you would like to partake. I wonder if we could make some sort of “bomb” beverage with moonshine and PBR? What would we call it? The Freedom Bomb, perhaps?

Peanut shells on the floor, PBR on tap and Big Buck Hunter. They have three dozen different whiskeys and BYOM (bring your own meat to grill at their outdoor space). Beers in cans include Schlitz, Olde E, Tecate, Old Milwaukee, Colt 45, Genesee Cream Ale and more. Said beers are available in bucket deals.

They also have a juke box I do think you would appreciate even though Fugazi’s “Waiting Room” isn’t on it.

And it smells better than B-Sides.

Looking forward to getting drunk with you sometime soon and accidentally knocking over some parking meters at 317 Columbia Street Brooklyn, NY.

Your friend,
Chewy B.

PS: Shnäck is now BYOB.

Doc Brown needs to chill the eff out and have a whisky.

Anyone who doesn’t like the Bohiemian Hall & Beer Garden in Astoria is a communist. You can drink cheap pitchers of Hoegaarden outside with your friends and not have to deal with annoying douchebags hitting on you.

Soon Williamsburg kids won’t have to make the treck into Queens for very long as Williamsburg is getting their own. One with a retractable roof. Ooh-la-la!
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Do you think the new beer garden will serve up PBR, tofu dogs and irony?