I’ve been tagged! I’m officially “in” with the blogging community! Oh, I feel so accepted. Foodette from RestaurantReviewWorld.com has axed me to list my five favorite places to eat in the area. Unfortunately, I don’t eat out at new places as much as I like to.

Favorite sushi: Kotobuki in Babylon, Long Island. Not to be confused with the sub-par Kotobuki Sushi and Thai in Carroll Gardens. Kotobuki LI is the fourth top rated restaurant in the Long Island Zagat. My only problem with it is that the sushi rice is overly seasoned and too sweet. I used to drive forty minutes and wait another hour just to eat there. The amuse bouche cold noodles are amazing. Service is great.

Favorite drunken snack: Pomme Frites. ‘Nuff said.

Favorite BBQ: Fette Sau in Williamsburg, Brookyln. I don’t care what my nay-saying friends think, I find this shit to be quality. Texas-style (dry rubbed, no sauces). Forgo the dry-ass ribs and go for the berkshire pork belly that melts in your mouth. Cafeteria-style seating. Three dozen whiskies and craft beers in drinkin’ jars. You just have to put up with slow service and young hipsters and their critical stares.

Favorite non-adult beverage treat: Ten Ren Tea House or Saint’s Alp Tea House. Bubble tea. Hot or cold, it’s milky and sweet and contains those giant gelatinous tapioca bubbles. I think I’m going to die choking on one of those things. It will be a delicious death, though. Dozens on flavors including coffee, coconut, ginger, taro and melon. Visually, they are adorable with their pastel colors, dome cap and oversized straws. Both businesses have international locations.

Favorite chain restaurant: Penang. I used be a hostess / server / bartender at the Long Island location. Only a handful of Penang’s are left: In New York, Boston and Philadelphia. It’s Malaysian cuisine, which isn’t really authentic, but it’s tasty and affordable with a “hip” atmosphere. I like the sarang burung: A deep fried taro root bowl filled with seafoods, veg and cashews. They also make an amazing green curry. The menus differ slightly from location to location.

The best meal I’ve ever had in my life: Le Bernardin’s tasting menu.

I know that’s six, but fuck it. And apparently I have to tag other food bloggers to do the same. I dunno who the hell reads this crap I spew out, though.

1. & 2.) The Paupered Chef boys. One lives in Brooklyn and one lives in Ohio. Great photos, writing, research, recipes and reviews. And good guys to get drunk with.

3.) Michele Humes. She’s from Hong Kong, went to a French school, lived in Edinburgh and now resides in Brooklyn and goes to The French Culinary Institute. She’s got an great palate.

4.) J. Slab of Porkchop Express. He reports on quality, cheap ethnic eats in Brooklyn. And he always replies to my emails.

As a woman of discerning taste, I could drink these shits until I puke.

I’m a sucker for new chip flavors. Today at Fairway, I found Doritos’ new flavor, X-13D. Marketed in a mysterious black bag and so titled because you, the consumer, can win the chance to name it. I thought the “X” stood for eXtreme, as in eXtreme flavor. The “13″ was probably picked picked because someone thought it was a cool number. “D” is for either “Dorito’s” or “diarrhea”.

I’ve read that they are supposed to taste like a cheeseburger. Maybe if you are on Miracle Fruit or smoked a lot of weed. These things are disgusting. Without reading any of the propaganda on the package, one bite and I could identify the “mystery flavor”. Mustard. Mustard flavored Dorito’s. Imagine mustard powder mixed with garlic powder. Wash it back with a Coca-Cola Blak and you can ensure vomit. Actually, I’ve had vomit that tasted better than this. And vomit is free, but these things cost me $3.50. I wish I had never tried them. That’s how bad they are. They make my mouth sad.

Another blogger described the flavor as “ass dipped in mustard and relish”. That pretty much sums it up.

Doritos X-13D are not vegetarian friendly, as they contain beef tallow.

ChewFood grade for taste: F-
ChewFood grade for marketing: F-

Now THESE are eXtreme Doritos!

Dear Joey V.,

This muggy June weather has given me a case of the vapors. So last Saturday I went to cool off with a few tastey beverages at a bar down the block that I think that you actually own in the future. But Future Joe hasn’t met Present Joe because that would fuck-up the space-time continuum and the world would implode into a black hole and Doc Brown would not be able to help you out.

It’s called Moonshine and I was too drunk to figure out if they actually had any moonshine. Nevertheless, I have my own moonshine if you would like to partake. I wonder if we could make some sort of “bomb” beverage with moonshine and PBR? What would we call it? The Freedom Bomb, perhaps?

Peanut shells on the floor, PBR on tap and Big Buck Hunter. They have three dozen different whiskeys and BYOM (bring your own meat to grill at their outdoor space). Beers in cans include Schlitz, Olde E, Tecate, Old Milwaukee, Colt 45, Genesee Cream Ale and more. Said beers are available in bucket deals.

They also have a juke box I do think you would appreciate even though Fugazi’s “Waiting Room” isn’t on it.

And it smells better than B-Sides.

Looking forward to getting drunk with you sometime soon and accidentally knocking over some parking meters at 317 Columbia Street Brooklyn, NY.

Your friend,
Chewy B.

PS: Shnäck is now BYOB.

Doc Brown needs to chill the eff out and have a whisky.

Anyone who doesn’t like the Bohiemian Hall & Beer Garden in Astoria is a communist. You can drink cheap pitchers of Hoegaarden outside with your friends and not have to deal with annoying douchebags hitting on you.

Soon Williamsburg kids won’t have to make the treck into Queens for very long as Williamsburg is getting their own. One with a retractable roof. Ooh-la-la!
+ =

Do you think the new beer garden will serve up PBR, tofu dogs and irony?

Earlier this week Chef sent me over to pick up a couple of things from a new Korean-owned produce store on Court Street at Degraw.

It’s kinda like one of those little Chinatown shops. Just fruit and veg and a little bit of bulk treats (banana chips, peanuts, etc.).

I don’t know the name of it, but will get it for you.

One bunch of cilantro, a block of tofu, finger of ginger and a few handfuls of wasabi peas (he told me to get something nice for myself) for $2.41!

Smell you later, janky Fairway produce. Smell you later forever.

Bread-n- Brie, which is an online gourmet supermaket, just launched. They sell organic and kosher foods, too.

20% off your first order.

Their website is still a little janky.

Right now they only deliver to the Upper East Side and NYU area (because, you know, those kids need even more grocery outlets besides the greenmarket, Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods), but you can go pick-up your orders.

I planted an herb garden today.

I was planning on going to Home Depot, but decided to support a local business, Gowanus Nursery, which is a three minute walk from my apartment.

The ladies who work there were not to my liking. They were weird. I don’t know how to explain their weirdness, except compare it to the public school librarians I’ve dealt with in my youth. Maybe it’s the lack of proper customer relations. No one ever came up to me and asked me if I needed help and when I went to pay the lady said, “That’s all?” like I was a child trying to buy one stick of gum. Maybe they are just socially awkward and care about plants more than they care about people. Anyway, the nursery was very cute and had lots of interesting plants.

I picked up two basil plants, thyme, sage, dill and rosemary. (Total $26.01 with tax)

I am not a gardener. My mom had a green thumb and plants were her favorite hobby. She managed to grow dozens of orchids in the greenhouse my dad built for her. She could grow cucumbers, tomatoes, figs, blackberries, chives, strawberries, various kinds of mint (which she used to barter with in Chinatown!), Vietnamese basil, and some other Vietnamese herbs that you are hard pressed to find, even in NYC and whose names I don’t even know. Even some Asian vegetables (like bitter melon, which is probably the only ingredient I can’t stand). I would constantly find her outside, bent over in sweatpants and would go up to her and poke her in the butt cheek and say “farmer butt” (I wasn’t a toddler, I was a teenager). She attempted to get me into gardening, but I was always more interested on what was on tv or the Turbo Graphix. So I can tell you the secret code to unlock the Princess for Ordyne but don’t know what the hell a perennial is.

So I have a new backyard. And I spend money weekly on various herbs at the supermarket and I don’t even use all of them up (I don’t know why they sell such large quantities. I mean, I don’t need a pound of dill for $2, can’t you just sell me a large handful for $.50?)

So I’m pretty shitty at gardening mainly because I’m lazy and half-assed. I hope I put them in the right place for enough sunlight. I hope the soil is okay and that I planted them far enough apart. If any knowledgeable gardeners are reading, I’d like your advice.

Also, a bird just shit on my computer screen while I was writing this. Everyone’s a critic.

So you probably already know about my love for the Fairway in Red Hook. But I got really mad at it last week.

The produce is awful. Associated Supermarket awful. It’s not just getting organic fuji apples that were mealy and leeks that were stringy, it’s that most of the perishable produce was visibly not fresh. Most supermarkets will sell fruit and veg that is unripe, knowing that most people only go grocery shopping once a week and the stuff has to last for a few days. Most of Fairway’s fruit and veg is ready to eat. You better take it home and eat it all that day because it won’t keep for more than a day or two (Kinda like that Chris Rock bit about meat from the ghetto supermarkets). I know that markets in Chinatown do this, that’s why I can get a pound of ginger root for $1 or a carton of mangoes for $4. But that’s Chinatown, I expect more from a supermarket that can offer me twenty different kinds of artisanal blue cheese as well as family packs of chicken thighs for $1.99/lb and has a view of the Statue of Liberty.

I don’t know why the Fairway produce sucks. Maybe they don’t keep it cold enough. Maybe they don’t have a mini-sprinkler system that mists it every so often. Maybe they just get one huge delivery every once in awhile as opposed to little deliveries often. Maybe they just don’t care. Maybe no one has complained.

But it makes me all like this little emoticon `,:(

(I think that emoticon, that I just invented [patent pending], is a good alternative to “WTF?!”)

I’m beginning to think that one day my blog is going to become solely a tool to report food events in New York City. There are so many free and cheap food-related things to do in this city. And I don’t know of a resource to find out about them. Do you?

Today I found out that the OG Macy’s (er, Macy*s), in Herald Square, has free cooking demonstrations by top chefs. I think most of the attendants are old ladies who still shop at Macy’s and have nothing better to do in the middle of the day and like free shit. May 3rd, Ming Tsai and Marcus Samuelsson are going to be there, but it costs $50. Call 1-800-292-2450 by April 23 for that. More info can be found here.

The French Culinary Institute is also The International Culinary Center. Go to their website and sign up for their newsletter. They occasionally hold free special events, like lectures about techniques. I went to their open house last month and found out about this (and got to sample it).

June 17th, Taste of Health is going on at Lincoln Center. Free admission. Free samples. From their website: “Taste of Health presents the best in local, healthy cuisine - healthy for you and for the planet - together with the information you need to transition to a healthier lifestyle.” I can’t comment on how hippy-dippy it may be.

On the Upper East Side, Park Avenue Cafe offers a three-course prix fixe “pay your age” everyday after 8:30pm (minimum being $25 and the maximum being $65). The New York Times gives the Park Avenue Cafe two stars and says that the normal a la cart menu is “expensive”. I haven’t been, but ChewFood contributor Vincent says the pay your age deal is pretty damn awesome. What a great way to get younger people into appreciating fine dining and gourmet food.

The Natural Gourmet Cooking School, in Chelsea, offers a Friday night four-course prix fixe menu for $34 (includes tax and is BYOB). Details here.

There’s an underground wandering supper club based in Williamsburg, Brooklyn called Peerless Platters. Sign up for their mailing list to be in the know or to be a chef, to host a diner or to volunteer at their events. 14-20 people per seating, one seating per night. Customized music. Seasonal, fresh and sometimes rare ingredients are used. Sometimes it’s cocktail pairing, sometimes it’s BYOB.

This last one is for shits and giggles: Ahoy! Ye and ye maties should climb aboard the SS Jive Turkey Culinary Cruise. Arrrgh. To the Caribbean she sails! Deep fry land lubbering fowl on a boat! Tis safe! From a Craigslist ad: “You will experience two one-hourhands-on cooking experience on preparing your own deep-fried turkey with Jive Turkey’s chefs on Holland America ms Noordam on November 10, 2007 for an 11-day Southern Caribbean journey roundtrip from New York with port of calls at Tortola, St. Thomas, Puerto Rico, Dominica, St. Maarten, and Barbados. In addition to the two one-hour demostration, you will get a 45-minute premium wine-tasting event with a cellarmaster and a group 8″ by 10″ per cabin.” I don’t know what that last part about those measurements mean, but it sounds like it could end in sexy results. Weigh anchor!
Cost: $919 to $1969 per person, based on double occupancy. Plus taxes.
Contact: kchow@cruiseplanners.com or 718-360-1988.
This is for serious. I did not make this up.

The FDA said it can’t guarantee that all the contaminated dog and cat food have been removed from store shelves. I’ve been feeding Pokey Pedigree for the last few years (luckily not on the Menu Foods recall list). Regardless, this toxic dog food business has got me thinking of what the hell I’m forcing my dog to eat.

When Matt and I were apartment hunting, we drove by a Merrick truck. I had never heard of Merrick before. I saw there was a picture on the side of the truck of a tin can labeled “turducken” and I flipped out. Matt and I could’t figure out what it was. I was hoping it would be delicious stock or broth. Matt thought it might be gravy. It took us a few minutes to figure out it was dog food. I was kinda jealous.

It just so happens that the New York Magazine’s best pet store in Brooklyn*, Love Thy Pet, is a block away from our new place. So I took Pokey there and they gave him treats and a free can of dog food - Wingalings, made by Merrick ($1.79-$2.38 for a large 13.2 oz can).

This stuff looks good. Like REALLY good. Like if I was drunk enough, I’d probably try it. Hey, don’t judge - it’s free of artificial flavors, colors and preservatives. There are even whole chicken wings inside the can! The label says the bones have been softened and are perfectly safe for your dog to eat. Unlike those tainted Menu Foods dog foods, Merrick uses minimal processing. I figured since I started eating better in last few months, Pokey should too. Especially since he’s become a lazy, fat bastard. I am pretty sure that a can of Merrick dog food is healthier for you to consume than a Hungry Man Dinner - in case you are poor, hungry and/or drunk.

Merrick dog food, cat food and treats are available at better pet stores, some health food stores and online.

Soft food (what you probably call “wet food”) flavors come in: Thanksgiving Day Dinner, Turducken, Venison Holiday Stew, Wild Buffalo Grill, Wingaling, Wilderness Blend, Working Dog Stew, Rocky Mountain Rainbow, Senior Medley, Smothered Comfort, Puppy Plate, Mediterranean Banquet, New Zealand Summer, Cowboy Cookout, French Country Paté, Grammy’s Pot Pie, Harvest Moon, Brauts-n-Tots and a tasting menu called Gourmet Lunch Box which contains eight different flavors ($13.50-23). Hard food (what you probably call “dry food”) also available.

Merrick’s website (You can find cheaper places online to buy it then directly through them - like in bulk on Amazon!)

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*By “Brooklyn” I mean Boerum Hill / Cobble Hill / Carroll Gardens - The only parts of Brooklyn (aside from Park Slope) that that magazine deems worthy of recognition. Unless they are picking on hipsters in Williamburg, which is like shooting fish in a barrel.