Being a grown-up means things like responsibility and jobs and taxes and cleaning up after yourself. It also means you can do whatever the hell you want. From eating chorizo, chippos and soda for dinner to staying up until four in the morning playing videos games to not being forced to go to church or piano lessons. And that’s fucking awesome.

It also means that you get to buy your own shit for your own place. No more plastic on flower printed couches and and stupid, ugly, useless chotchkeys. Shit like new dishes!

Matt and I went to Fishs Eddy on 19th and Broadway to get new plates, bowls and flatware recently.

We selected from The Diner Whites line, which are off-white, of restaurant quality (read: really heavy and sturdy) and has a large selection of shapes and sizes.

We got six each of large dinner plates ($6 each), lunch plates ($4.50 each), soup plates ($5 each) and cereal bowl ($6 each). We selected modern and heavy 18/10 stainless steel flatware, which cost $5 for each piece.

Fishs Eddy is located at 889 Broadway at 19th Street in Manhattan.

You should buy these dishes if you hate getting laid.

As you may or may not know, I have an affinity for baby wipes. People may think it’s gross, but any arguement you have against them, I have a great defense supporting them. I don’t know why more people don’t use them. Why should babies be the only ones? I mean, those dudes don’t even know how to control their own bowels.

Anyway, Fairway decided to jack up the price on them. Which is fine, because I will pay for the luxury of them. But raising the price sixty fucking cents in two weeks?! Come on! That’s just some effed up ess, right there. I remember in high school when my local supermarket raised the price of Little Debbie’s Zebra Cakes by twenty cents and I went berzerker then, too.

In addition, Seventh Generation even changed the packaging slightly - making the baby a little more, um, whiter. I always thought that thing was a ginger halfie, which made me even more inclined to buy it because I was ginger when I was a baby. Now it’s juse some cracker baby taking my money.

Soon baby wipes will cost more than smokes.

But at least there aren’t naked children on a pack of Camel Lights.

Earlier this week Chef sent me over to pick up a couple of things from a new Korean-owned produce store on Court Street at Degraw.

It’s kinda like one of those little Chinatown shops. Just fruit and veg and a little bit of bulk treats (banana chips, peanuts, etc.).

I don’t know the name of it, but will get it for you.

One bunch of cilantro, a block of tofu, finger of ginger and a few handfuls of wasabi peas (he told me to get something nice for myself) for $2.41!

Smell you later, janky Fairway produce. Smell you later forever.

Bread-n- Brie, which is an online gourmet supermaket, just launched. They sell organic and kosher foods, too.

20% off your first order.

Their website is still a little janky.

Right now they only deliver to the Upper East Side and NYU area (because, you know, those kids need even more grocery outlets besides the greenmarket, Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods), but you can go pick-up your orders.

I planted an herb garden today.

I was planning on going to Home Depot, but decided to support a local business, Gowanus Nursery, which is a three minute walk from my apartment.

The ladies who work there were not to my liking. They were weird. I don’t know how to explain their weirdness, except compare it to the public school librarians I’ve dealt with in my youth. Maybe it’s the lack of proper customer relations. No one ever came up to me and asked me if I needed help and when I went to pay the lady said, “That’s all?” like I was a child trying to buy one stick of gum. Maybe they are just socially awkward and care about plants more than they care about people. Anyway, the nursery was very cute and had lots of interesting plants.

I picked up two basil plants, thyme, sage, dill and rosemary. (Total $26.01 with tax)

I am not a gardener. My mom had a green thumb and plants were her favorite hobby. She managed to grow dozens of orchids in the greenhouse my dad built for her. She could grow cucumbers, tomatoes, figs, blackberries, chives, strawberries, various kinds of mint (which she used to barter with in Chinatown!), Vietnamese basil, and some other Vietnamese herbs that you are hard pressed to find, even in NYC and whose names I don’t even know. Even some Asian vegetables (like bitter melon, which is probably the only ingredient I can’t stand). I would constantly find her outside, bent over in sweatpants and would go up to her and poke her in the butt cheek and say “farmer butt” (I wasn’t a toddler, I was a teenager). She attempted to get me into gardening, but I was always more interested on what was on tv or the Turbo Graphix. So I can tell you the secret code to unlock the Princess for Ordyne but don’t know what the hell a perennial is.

So I have a new backyard. And I spend money weekly on various herbs at the supermarket and I don’t even use all of them up (I don’t know why they sell such large quantities. I mean, I don’t need a pound of dill for $2, can’t you just sell me a large handful for $.50?)

So I’m pretty shitty at gardening mainly because I’m lazy and half-assed. I hope I put them in the right place for enough sunlight. I hope the soil is okay and that I planted them far enough apart. If any knowledgeable gardeners are reading, I’d like your advice.

Also, a bird just shit on my computer screen while I was writing this. Everyone’s a critic.

So you probably already know about my love for the Fairway in Red Hook. But I got really mad at it last week.

The produce is awful. Associated Supermarket awful. It’s not just getting organic fuji apples that were mealy and leeks that were stringy, it’s that most of the perishable produce was visibly not fresh. Most supermarkets will sell fruit and veg that is unripe, knowing that most people only go grocery shopping once a week and the stuff has to last for a few days. Most of Fairway’s fruit and veg is ready to eat. You better take it home and eat it all that day because it won’t keep for more than a day or two (Kinda like that Chris Rock bit about meat from the ghetto supermarkets). I know that markets in Chinatown do this, that’s why I can get a pound of ginger root for $1 or a carton of mangoes for $4. But that’s Chinatown, I expect more from a supermarket that can offer me twenty different kinds of artisanal blue cheese as well as family packs of chicken thighs for $1.99/lb and has a view of the Statue of Liberty.

I don’t know why the Fairway produce sucks. Maybe they don’t keep it cold enough. Maybe they don’t have a mini-sprinkler system that mists it every so often. Maybe they just get one huge delivery every once in awhile as opposed to little deliveries often. Maybe they just don’t care. Maybe no one has complained.

But it makes me all like this little emoticon `,:(

(I think that emoticon, that I just invented [patent pending], is a good alternative to “WTF?!”)

I’m beginning to think that one day my blog is going to become solely a tool to report food events in New York City. There are so many free and cheap food-related things to do in this city. And I don’t know of a resource to find out about them. Do you?

Today I found out that the OG Macy’s (er, Macy*s), in Herald Square, has free cooking demonstrations by top chefs. I think most of the attendants are old ladies who still shop at Macy’s and have nothing better to do in the middle of the day and like free shit. May 3rd, Ming Tsai and Marcus Samuelsson are going to be there, but it costs $50. Call 1-800-292-2450 by April 23 for that. More info can be found here.

The French Culinary Institute is also The International Culinary Center. Go to their website and sign up for their newsletter. They occasionally hold free special events, like lectures about techniques. I went to their open house last month and found out about this (and got to sample it).

June 17th, Taste of Health is going on at Lincoln Center. Free admission. Free samples. From their website: “Taste of Health presents the best in local, healthy cuisine - healthy for you and for the planet - together with the information you need to transition to a healthier lifestyle.” I can’t comment on how hippy-dippy it may be.

On the Upper East Side, Park Avenue Cafe offers a three-course prix fixe “pay your age” everyday after 8:30pm (minimum being $25 and the maximum being $65). The New York Times gives the Park Avenue Cafe two stars and says that the normal a la cart menu is “expensive”. I haven’t been, but ChewFood contributor Vincent says the pay your age deal is pretty damn awesome. What a great way to get younger people into appreciating fine dining and gourmet food.

The Natural Gourmet Cooking School, in Chelsea, offers a Friday night four-course prix fixe menu for $34 (includes tax and is BYOB). Details here.

There’s an underground wandering supper club based in Williamsburg, Brooklyn called Peerless Platters. Sign up for their mailing list to be in the know or to be a chef, to host a diner or to volunteer at their events. 14-20 people per seating, one seating per night. Customized music. Seasonal, fresh and sometimes rare ingredients are used. Sometimes it’s cocktail pairing, sometimes it’s BYOB.

This last one is for shits and giggles: Ahoy! Ye and ye maties should climb aboard the SS Jive Turkey Culinary Cruise. Arrrgh. To the Caribbean she sails! Deep fry land lubbering fowl on a boat! Tis safe! From a Craigslist ad: “You will experience two one-hourhands-on cooking experience on preparing your own deep-fried turkey with Jive Turkey’s chefs on Holland America ms Noordam on November 10, 2007 for an 11-day Southern Caribbean journey roundtrip from New York with port of calls at Tortola, St. Thomas, Puerto Rico, Dominica, St. Maarten, and Barbados. In addition to the two one-hour demostration, you will get a 45-minute premium wine-tasting event with a cellarmaster and a group 8″ by 10″ per cabin.” I don’t know what that last part about those measurements mean, but it sounds like it could end in sexy results. Weigh anchor!
Cost: $919 to $1969 per person, based on double occupancy. Plus taxes.
Contact: kchow@cruiseplanners.com or 718-360-1988.
This is for serious. I did not make this up.

The FDA said it can’t guarantee that all the contaminated dog and cat food have been removed from store shelves. I’ve been feeding Pokey Pedigree for the last few years (luckily not on the Menu Foods recall list). Regardless, this toxic dog food business has got me thinking of what the hell I’m forcing my dog to eat.

When Matt and I were apartment hunting, we drove by a Merrick truck. I had never heard of Merrick before. I saw there was a picture on the side of the truck of a tin can labeled “turducken” and I flipped out. Matt and I could’t figure out what it was. I was hoping it would be delicious stock or broth. Matt thought it might be gravy. It took us a few minutes to figure out it was dog food. I was kinda jealous.

It just so happens that the New York Magazine’s best pet store in Brooklyn*, Love Thy Pet, is a block away from our new place. So I took Pokey there and they gave him treats and a free can of dog food - Wingalings, made by Merrick ($1.79-$2.38 for a large 13.2 oz can).

This stuff looks good. Like REALLY good. Like if I was drunk enough, I’d probably try it. Hey, don’t judge - it’s free of artificial flavors, colors and preservatives. There are even whole chicken wings inside the can! The label says the bones have been softened and are perfectly safe for your dog to eat. Unlike those tainted Menu Foods dog foods, Merrick uses minimal processing. I figured since I started eating better in last few months, Pokey should too. Especially since he’s become a lazy, fat bastard. I am pretty sure that a can of Merrick dog food is healthier for you to consume than a Hungry Man Dinner - in case you are poor, hungry and/or drunk.

Merrick dog food, cat food and treats are available at better pet stores, some health food stores and online.

Soft food (what you probably call “wet food”) flavors come in: Thanksgiving Day Dinner, Turducken, Venison Holiday Stew, Wild Buffalo Grill, Wingaling, Wilderness Blend, Working Dog Stew, Rocky Mountain Rainbow, Senior Medley, Smothered Comfort, Puppy Plate, Mediterranean Banquet, New Zealand Summer, Cowboy Cookout, French Country Paté, Grammy’s Pot Pie, Harvest Moon, Brauts-n-Tots and a tasting menu called Gourmet Lunch Box which contains eight different flavors ($13.50-23). Hard food (what you probably call “dry food”) also available.

Merrick’s website (You can find cheaper places online to buy it then directly through them - like in bulk on Amazon!)

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

*By “Brooklyn” I mean Boerum Hill / Cobble Hill / Carroll Gardens - The only parts of Brooklyn (aside from Park Slope) that that magazine deems worthy of recognition. Unless they are picking on hipsters in Williamburg, which is like shooting fish in a barrel.

I went to check out Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods in Union Square on Friday after getting my hair did. Instead of me ranting and bitching to you at length, I’ll just say that both experiences were very unpleasant and I didn’t even buy anything at either store. Whole Foods in Manhattan is a total rip-off compared to their Long Island locations (the Union Square olive bar was $9.99 / lb compared to $6.99 / lb at their Jericho location). I highly advise against going to both Union Square supermarkets unless you like dealing with crowds and long lines. Which, surprisingly, a lot of people don’t seem to mind.

I went back to Fairway today and bought that goose fat.

An update on the Fairway olive bar: Correcting my earlier post, their olive selection is more like 25-30 different kinds of olives. The best part is that you get to sample them! No one yells at you! You don’t even have to ask! Just pick away! You can stand there all day and just eat olives! This is a smart idea on their part because unlimited, unsupervised sampling led me to spontaneously buy some atlas olives, which are massive and yield copious amounts of meat.

(Side story: There was this kid at the supermarket, probably around nine or ten years old, fucking around with his dad’s shopping cart. His dad was ignoring him and trying to pick out hams. The kid kept saying, “Dad! Dad! I have a farting car!” and then proceeded to make fart noises with his mouth as he pushed the cart around the meat department. I burst out laughing.)

For dinner I made fresh store bought pumpkin gnocchi and made my own sauce (garlic, button mushrooms, thyme, chicken stock, heavy cream). It would have been a perfect dish had I added bacon. It wasn’t a very Springtime dish (the gnocchi tasted like pumpkin pie), but it was delicious nonetheless. Especially considering I have extremely limited experience cooking Italian.

The restaurant called me (despite them being closed today) and want me to trail again tomorrow, so I’m really psyched about that.

And regarding the Food Network Awards, I have nothing to say. Maybe you do.

Matt and I went to the Fairway in Red Hook yesterday for the first time. Dear lord, this is what a supermarket is supposed to be. It’s a gourmand’s wet dream. They have practically everything you want or need (well, except for the $18 pepper, I checked). Regular and organic and health foods in one building. It’s like a less pretentious, somewhat more middle class version of Whole Foods.

I only have four complaints. The first is that it’s designed as a maze: You are forced to walk through the entire store (like Stew Leonard’s, minus the animatronics), so it makes it really hard just to pop in and just buy some milk and bread. Secondly, you need a car to go there. The third is that the produce wasn’t as fresh as you’d think. Fourth, is that even despite the three previous qualms, Fairway is too awesome. Too awesome means that I will want to go there all the time to buy stuff that I don’t really need. Pretty soon I’ll end up like Jeffrey Steingarten or Hedonism-Bot (as seen above, being smothered in chocolate). I’ll be smacking my lips loudly and wheezing while I eat.

Anyway, here’s a brief list of awesomeness I found:

• Freshly made pumpkin gnocchi
• Two mega-lobster-saurus’ at $12/lb
• Organic hypo-allergenic free-range cruelty-free sustainable flax-based biodegradable condoms (okay, this one I made up)
• Foie gras
• Jiffy Pop
• Rick’s Picks
• About twenty different kinds of loose olives for $6/lb
• Eight or ten different Fairway brand olive oils that you could test out with baguette slices
• An entire skinned goat sitting in the butcher’s case - with the head still on
• And the thing-de-resistance:

Goose fat! For $9 a jar!

So I say fuck Whole Foods coming to Brooklyn. Fairway doesn’t need gimmicks like conveyer belt sushi and a “shower” in the cheese department.